But had to continue in English.
By the time when I am typing this, I will already have finished the whole entry.
And adding "warning" before anyone tries to read this post.
The words in Chinese, is dedicated to my boyfriend, Jason Lee.
Boyfriend, because we haven't officially broke up yet.
Perhaps to him, we are already broken up.
Seeing how I ridiculously packed up my things and left his house.
But the strings are still tied.
Waiting for one of us to cut it away.
Knowing him, I believe he's waiting for me.
But before I can fully muster the courage to cut off the strings, I have to get pass myself.
So allow me some time.
Give me time to get pass my sadness, my regrets.
The past I never cherished.
I past I tried to cherish.
And some time, to hug the Jason in my memory, who has always been there for me.
Since the day he knew me.
When we board the wrong bus, end up back to square one location and walked home.
Lolz, just reminiscing all those past memories, make me smile stupidly to myself.
How I was too shy to even look at him in the eyes.
How I was actually a little intimidated by his size that time.
How I was perspiring generally not because of the warm weather but because I was nervous.
I had never walked so much of a distance with a guy friend, alone, at night.
Since the day he knew me.
To the day we became couple.
How he fought for my attention.
With those sweet messages.
And got jealous because Gerald was fighting for it too.
To how he slowly became angry because my attention wasn't fully on him.
To how we split up in Audii.
To how he left Loonies.
To how he coupled Shirley.
To how we started talking and playing Audii together again.
As of now, that is the Jason in my memory.
And these Chinese words are for that Jason.
Because he has always always been that big brother, that daddy-like figure (the first man to bring me to drink LOLZ), that emotional pillar I know I will always have, that friend who I can call for protection because he's a police and he'd always always pick up my call when I have nightmares even when he's sleeping.
After the Chinese words, comes the chunks and chunks of English words that I have spent (I have no idea how long) to finish typing.
It's something new I know about myself.
Really something new.
It explains a lot of things that I do, I think.
The way I act.
Perhaps after reading it, you'll think I am a freak.
I really have no idea what any of you will think of me.
But.
I am still the me, who knows who is who.
Who cares how much for me.
I am sorry for the shits, I gave you people.
The shit feelings I made you all feel.
And thank you, for staying with me, for all these time.
Despite all the shits.
Thank you.
*
现在的我是难过的。
是彷徨的。
是哭了又停，停了又哭的。
是很想痛痛快快哭一场的。
是不停回想过去的。
是后悔着的。
是思念着的。
 |
| 还记得这一张图吗？ |
现在的我，就好像这一只小熊。
明知道，现在最重要的是什么。
应该做什么，专注在想什么。
应该往乐观（光）的方向前往。
偏偏，我却一直把自己沉浸在这个悲伤里（暗）。
我承认，自己是一个很不知足的人。
拥有的时候，不珍惜，爱挑毛病。
失去的时候，才懂得，什么是珍惜当初拥有的。
每一次，都学不乖。
虽然总是提醒自己不要太过分。
但最后还是越过了界。
等到家人，朋友，男朋友，真的受不了，才后悔，才觉悟。
你知道吗？
我真的真的很想听见你那温柔的声音。
那个陪我入眠的声音。
以前陪你看球，太多人，我很热，很辛苦。
现在以后没机会了，才希望回到那时。
因为至少，我看着你，陪你做你喜欢的事情。
以前和你同房，同床，你先睡，打呼，我嫌吵。
现在没了打呼声，我的耳边清静好多好多。
少了一双大手搂着我入眠。
少了一个人和我抢被子。
好后悔以前以前睡前和你大吵。
让我们两个心情都不好。
为什么当初的我那么笨？
你对我好的时候，我一直把你推走。
不管我当时有的是什么理由。
我都不应该用那种方式。
因为现在我明白了，当时的你，心灵应该受到了很大的创伤吧？
难怪你时常一直讲我笨。
我说：“你常说每个人笨。”
你说：“全世界，你最笨，最 gong, 最呆的就是你了。”
还记得，你常常唱那首 "gong gong dai dai" 的歌给我听。
逗得我哭笑不得。
可是你知道吗？
当时的我，很幸福。
因为，你在唱完那首歌后，总是说，“老婆。Love you！”
又或者给我一个拥抱。
你的笑容总是那么灿烂。
我一直都有把这个很灿烂的笑容收进我的脑海里。
亲爱的，你知道吗？
我好想抱着你。
或许，什么也不说，只想感受一下，依偎在你怀里的温暖。
或许，只想一直轻声不停地重复，我真的好爱你。
2008年，我们分开。
2010年，我们重逢。
2011年，我们牵手。
2012年，我们就要这么回到原点了吗？
像当初一样。
你跟我说，戒指留住，提醒你，你有多爱我？
是那样子吗？
还记得，我们还没有正式在一起的时候，我写了10封信给你。
要你在台湾时每天读一封。
你说你迫不及待想回家。
想亲口听我说最后一封信里面的最后四个字。
我虽然已经不记得那四个字是什么。
但那时的我真的很感动。
我一直认为，上天给了我第二个爱你的机会。
一个可以真正好好爱你的机会。
但老天给我的性格，我的毛病却让我再次遗失这个机会。
你说，你从来没有爱过一个女人两次。
而我，破了你的例。
我所说的其中一个毛病很有可能是 OCD。
I came across this term on FML a few times before.
But never really checked out what it meant.
Today, while reading FML, I came across this term again.
Hence, I decided to check it out while I was typing this entry.
The words above.
Dar, remember there was a time at POPULAR?
And I was standing at a shelf, reading the back of a book, again and again?
And you were asking me to go, and I said wait wait wait.
Okaez, maybe that happened a lot of times, most of the times, I always do that in stationery shops.
But yea, the book I was reading so intently was a book of out of the norm psychological illnesses.
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
That's what OCD meant.
Please understand, by saying this, I don't mean to be finding excuses for the bitchy things I did.
The bitchy things I said.
For all the mistakes I make and whatever shit I have done.
Nor am I trying to gain anyone's sympathy.
Or trying to salvage whatever that's left of us, by using OCD as the reason.
I wish you would take the time, to read up on what OCD is about.
You might have noticed, you might have not noticed some of the traits in me.
It's either that or Obessive-compulsive Personality Disorder.
To my new discovery, the number 1 in your most handsome footballer of all times, David Beckham has confessed to having OCD as well.
So, why do I think I have OCD?
Basically, "OCD is an anxiety disorder characterized by intrusive thoughts that produce uneasiness, apprehension, fear, or worry by repetitive behaviors aims at reducing the associated anxiety, or by a combination of such obsessions and compulsions.
Symptoms of the disorder include excessive washing or cleaning (to which you might disagree because I don't seem like that much of a person, but read on), repeated checking, extreme hoarding; preoccupation with sexual, violent, or religious thoughts, aversion to particular numbers; and nervous rituals, such as opening and closing a door a certain number of times before entering or leaving a room."
Let's see.
Repeated checking - yea, I do, checking blog posts again and again, before posting, after posting, again and again, thinking I will see difference, lolz, that's minor case, at this moment, I cannot really remember those more major ones but yea, I do, repeated checkings.
Extreme hoarding - (the meaning of hoarding = to accumulate objects in a hidden or carefully guarded area for preservation or future use) remember how I always wanna buy pens, thinking they're not enough? Or how I often tell people my tales of bringing 5 pens and 4 calculators into the examination halls? How I keep wanting to buy note sticks because I will ALWAYS find use for them even though you look at my pencil case and you see one stack waiting for me to finish.
Preoccupation with sexual, violent, religious thoughts - you definitely know about this one, maybe not know but definitely would have noticed, how many times have I mentioned the "f" word, talked about those issues, and how I have told you about those thoughts about virginity, hiyaz, basically, all my close friends know I am obsessed with this virginity issue and you just read back the letter, the one in the drawer nearest to your computer on your left, if it's still there the last time I saw it, that's one example.
For the violent and religious thoughts, I have not much comments.
Aversion to particular numbers - I can list down the numbers I always avoid, 4, 7, 13. 4 to me, represents death, 7 just doesn't make me feel right. And 13 because of Friday the 13th. These four numbers, I always avoid it whenever I can.
Nervous rituals - It was worse way back when I was a child. But nowadays, the closest I ever is to walk to and fro, on the same road. How to I explain this, let's say, there are two routes to go to a destination, and we took Route A, then we must walk back Route A, especially if something unhappy happened, if something happy happen, I find it okaez to take Route B. If something unhappy happened and we take Route B, I have this belief that the same thing is gonna happen again and again. It's something like the "balance" like I told you about. Like, I don't like you touching me on one side of my body and not the other, this you definitely will know.
So why was it worse when I was a child?
I will count the number of steps I took.
And that's really, tiring.
Even now, when I read FMLs, I will scroll and count how many I read.
That day at POPULAR, I couldn't put down this book.
The psychological example stated was there was this man, who had to switch the lights on and off for 20 times, because he believe that if he didn't do so, his mum will die.
I have something similar, I can't bring it out at this moment, I can't remember.
But yea, I could relate, because I always have thoughts like, if I don't do this, I will lose thing, or something bad will happen.
"These symptoms can be alienating and time-consuming, and often can cause severe emotional and financial distress.
The acts of those who have OCD may appear paranoid and potentially psychotic.
However, OCD sufferers generally recognize their obsessions and compulsions as irrational, and may become further distressed by this realization."
Sweetheart, remember how I tell you and Boon about the voices, how I keep thinking I am crazy?
And Dar, how I keep telling you I am very depressed?
How I told the three of you, I need to see a doctor?
If my financial situation allows, I will.
I really wanna see a doctor and get rid of all these weird _______ in me.
I can't tank, seriously.
I am aware of all these weird traits(?) in me.
But I don't know how to not obey(?) those traits.
"Although these signs are present in OCD, a person who exhibits them does not necessarily have OCD, and may instead, have obsessive-compulsive personality disorder (OCPD). ... A more intense obsession could be a preoccupation with the thought or image of someone close to them dying.
Other obsessions concern the possibility that someone or something other than oneself -- such as God, the Devil, or disease -- will harm either the person with OCD or the people or things that the person cares about."
Remember several times when I suddenly break down?
Saying I miss my family while I am staying with you.
OHYEAH.
One of the weird thoughts I have.
Is saying I miss them, like to someone else.
I believe that when I say that, I will cause the person I miss to die.
Which is why I always avoid telling you I miss anyone, but just saying, I wanna see them soon.
This perhaps could be due to the fact that a few days ago before my father passed away, I was suddenly telling my mother, I miss my father.
And my mum brought the issue up to me, and I became very er, vigilant (?) about it.
"Other individuals with OCD may experience the sensation of invisible protrusions emanating from their bodies, or have the feeling that inanimate objects are ensouled."
I don't really understand what it means by invisible protrusions that part.
But for me, sometimes, when I am sitting down on sofa or on a bed, a bloody image will flash across my mind, tricking myself into thinking a sharp object is suddenly gonna pierce through the thing I am on and into my body.
Which is why, sometimes, I cannot sit still, or lie still on the bed for too long.
And for some reason, I believe all living and non-living is alive.
Believe it or not, since young, I believe that when no one is at home, and no one is watching, objects in the house will talk to themselves.
Especially when I am young.
It died off when I am a little older.
Occasionally, I still believe.
Like, when the lift comes down to me just when I reach the house lobby, I will say thank you to it.
Yea, freak, I am weird.
I really think that I am weird.
I always tell people I am weird.
And today, I am confessing all these weirdness out, not because I wanna gain anyone's sympathy, but understanding.
I don't need anyone to treat me differently after knowing all of this.
But for some things that I do, please try to understand.
"The person might feel that these actions somehow either will prevent a dreaded event from occurring, or will push the event from their thoughts. ... Excessive skin picking or hair plucking, and nail biting are all on Obsessive-Compulsive Spectrum.
Individuals with OCD are aware that their thoughts and behavior are not rational, but they feel bound to comply with them to fend off feelings of panic or dread."
Well, the last sentence explains what I was trying to say just a little earlier on.
"Some common compulsions include counting specific things (such as footsteps) or in specific ways (for instance, by intervals of two) and doing other repetitive actions, often with atypical sensitivity to numbers or patterns. People might repeatedly wash their hands or clear their throats, make sure certain items are in a straight line, repeatedly check that their parked cars have been locked before leaving them, constantly organize in a certain way, turn lights on and off, keep doors closed at all times, touch objects a certain number of times before exiting a room, walk in a certain routine way like only stepping on a certain colour of tile, or have a routine for using stairs, such as always finishing a flighting on the same foot."
I don't think I mention that when I read FML, I count the FMLs I read twice, right?
I will count one time scrolling with my right thumb, then count another time using the left thumb.
Earlier on I mentioned about "balance", yea, "balance", and now, the "pattern" come in.
"Pattern" reminds me of things like, if I do this thing with left hand, the next time I will do it with my right.
I used to always make sure my pens' tip are facing the same direction.
The place where the switch button is?
I will make sure I touch it at least 3 times, before I leave the room, especially at my own house or own bedroom.
"People rely on compulsions as an escape from their obsessive thoughts; however, they are aware that the relief is only temporary, the the intrusive thoughts will soon return.
Some people use compulsions to avoid situations that may trigger their obsessions."
"People with OCD can use rationalization to explain their behavior; however, these rationalizations do not apply to the overall behavior but to each instance individually. For example, a person compulsively checking the front door may argue that the time taken and stress caused by one more check of the front door is much less than the time and stress associated with being robbed, and thus checking is the better option. In practice, after that check, the person is still not sure and deems it is still better to perform one more check, and this reasoning can continue as long as necessary."
Lolz, door checking, I can relate.
I don't know how many times, I recall myself locking the front doors, making sure I turned two rounds (yea not one, I prefer two to one), then walked passed a few neighbors then suddenly having this urge to go and check the door, then walk and turn again just to make sure I locked 2 rounds for the metal gate and the wooden door.
-_- , time consuming.
But nope, I am not saying it explains why I am late on certain occasions.
So...
What's obsessive-compulsive personality disorder?
It is a "personality disorder, characterized by a pervasive pattern or preoccupation with orderliness, perfectionism, and mental and interpersonal control at the expense of flexibility, openness and efficiency."
Is it also a "chronic non-adaptive pattern of extreme perfectionism, preoccupation with neatness and detail, and a requirement or need for control or power over one's environments that results in major suffering and stress, especially in areas of personal relationships.
Persons with OCPD are usually known to be inflexible and extremely controlling.
They may find it hard to relax, and feel the need to plan out their activities down to the minute.
OCPD occurs in about 1% of the general population.
It is seen in 3-10% of the psychiatric outpatients.
It is twice as common in males as females."
And why do I think I have it?
"The symptoms include
- Preoccupation with remembering and paying attention to minute details, and facts.
- Following rules and regulations, compulsion to make lists and schedules.
- Rigidity/inflexibility of beliefs and/or exhibition of perfectionism that interferes with task-completion.
Symptoms may cause extreme distress and interfere with a person's occupational and social functioning."
Paying attention to minute details.
I already showed how minute I can be.
Telling you the exact location of the letter.
I don't need to tell you it's prolly the second last paragraph of the letter as well bahz...
"Some, but not all, patients with OCPD show an obsessive need for cleanliness.
This OCPD trait is not to be confused with domestic efficiency; over-attention to related details may instead make these (and other) activities of daily living difficult to accomplish.
Though obsessive behavior is in part a way to control anxiety, tension often remains.
In case of a hoarder, attention to effectively clean the home may be hindered by the amount of clutter that the hoarder resolves to later organize.
While there are superficial similarities between the list-making and obsessive aspects of Aspergers's Syndrome and OCPD, the former is different from OCPD especially regarding effective behaviors, including (but not limited to) empathy. social coping and general social skills."
“Perceptions of own and others' actions and beliefs tend to be polarised (i.e., "right" or "wrong", with little or no margin between the two) for people with this disorder.
As might expected, such rigidity places strain in interpersonal relationships, with frustrations sometimes turning into anger and even violence.
This is known as disinhibition.
People with OCPD often tend to general pessimism and/or underlying form(s) of depression.
This can at times be so serious that suicide is a risk.
Indeed, one study suggests that personality disorders are a significant substrate to psychiatric morbidity.
They may cause more problems in functioning than major depressive episode."
>< I know I have been spilling alot of ermz.
Info on this space, I swear I didn't just copy and paste.
I copied, paste, then retype so as to re-absorb the infos.
And yea, my brain is kind of overloaded now.
I am suddenly reminded of how I used violence on Jason.
How I often see things as right or wrong.
One of the most obvious one is.
Sex before marriage is wrong.
And it's still just wrong to me even as of now.
But what I know is I am trying to accept it.
That people cannot change their past.
I have been working for the past 1 year to tell myself that.
That sex before marriage is not wrong.
I looked it up online, offline, almost everywhere.
Just to convince myself.
Not just for this issue.
For other issues as well.
Perhaps the more recent one.
Calling other girls "piggy", "babe" is just wrong to me.
To me, I think it's flirting, to you maybe it's not.
I still think it is.
I used to think if you used to call your ex-girlfriend "laopo", "dear", then you can't call me that, it's wrong, because I will feel like a substitute, and I won't feel special.
But I have grew to change that mindset slowly, haven't I?
Dar, you always know how slow I was.
Even accepting you into my life totally needed so much time.
How can you give up on me now when I need you the most.
When you said you never will because you won't ever leave me?
General pessimism and/or underlying form(s) of depression - look at your phone, the notes you wrote, at the beginning when you begun to woo me, Dar.
Look at what you wrote.
All these OCD traits, has been with me since I am a young kid, from counting footsteps, to following a specific route, to striking a balance, etc.
I am not asking you to forgive me totally for whatever I did.
Whatever I said.
Whatever shit I gave you.
But at least, as of this moment, I really wish to have your understanding.
Even if we cannot be lovers anymore.
Even if you don't wanna talk to me in the future anymore.
Even if deep down in your heart, your feelings for me faded away long ago.
But it's only today.
I got to know something new about myself.
Something new generally.
OCD, OCPD.
So please.
Please.
I implore.
I implore for your understanding.
This entry is coming to an end soon.
As I am about to finish unraveling and learning something new about myself.
According to World Health's Organization (WHO), who also call OCPD as Anankastic Personality Disorder, they claim that someone who has this disorder will have at least three of the followings:
- Feelings of excessive doubt and caution.
- Preoccupation with details, rules, lists, order, organization, or schedule.
- Perfectionism that interferes with task completion.
- Excessive conscientiousness, scrupulousness, and undue preoccupation with productivity to the exclusion of pleasure and interpersonal relationships.
- Excessive pedantry (pedantry = characters, qualities, practices) and adherence to social conventions.
- Rigidity and stubbornness.
- Unreasonable insistence by the individual that the others submit exactly to hir or her way of doing things, or unreasonable reluctance to allow others to do things.
- Intrusion of insistent and unwelcome thoughts or impulses.
#1 - This point is self-explanatory.
#2 - Remember the rules thing? That you said I was stubborn about?
#5 - Self-explanatory too, remember how I stick to my belief that washing hair at night is not good for the head? Anyway, that myth is proven to be a fact, I think it came out on the news before.
#6 - Yea, I am stubborn, lolz, I don't deny, I am not gonna use this as an excuse. Again, I said, I ask for your understanding.
#7 - How I always say you must call me "laopo" or "dear" and "<3" in the morning messages, every night before you sleep?
#8 - Remember how you always ask me, "Why you suddenly ask?" , things like, why I suddenly do that, why I suddenly think of that? Here is the answer.
While typing the #7, my mum came into my room.
I really had this urge, to tell her, that I might be down with a psychological illness.
But I don't know how to.
Besides, what good will it do?
Right now, at this moment.
And actually, for most of the time, when I am acting up all weird and stubborn and frustrated, I just want someone, especially my special someone, to hold me tightly, tell me that I'm safe, I will be fine, and all the bad moments will go away.
On a calm night like this, I hate my mind running wild.
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