诚实面对自己

Under the blanket you gave me.
To keep me warm when I was staying at Clementi.

As much as I wish I was at your house encouraging you for your reports and exams, that you may or may not be working for, I have to face up to the truth that, you have already put me out of your mind.

I cannot stop you from <3-iing other girls.
Or going clubbing.
I cannot drug you with a love potion and force you to love me.

But I can promise you that some day.
This little girl you knew when you're 21, when she's 14, will be a very different lady in the near future.

I wouldn't be so bitter like I am now.
I wouldn't be so possessive like I am now.
I will learn to handle crappy situations well.
I will be very independent.

To put it simply.
I will be that mature girl you expected me to me.
The sensible and mature girl you've hope out of me.

Of course, I will be able to look back at us, and smile at those happy and beautiful memories.
I will put aside those bad ones.
Even if I still remember them, I'll laugh them off.
Most importantly, I'll be happy knowing you're happy and healthy, having your own family, a gorgeous and understanding wife who'll be supportive in all that you wanna do.
And pretty daughters and handsome child who'll grow up to be successful and filial.

But as of this moment.
I'm just gonna face up to my emotions.
To not deny the fact that I still miss you, I still miss us.
I still feel angry because you keep thinking I left you without reason, to keep suggesting I screwed up everything.

I'm not gonna deny that I am upset and disappointed how you wouldn't face up to me and our problems and only know how to hide and avoid, and pretend nothing happened.

I'm gonna admit that my heart is aching because I really loved you with my heart and soul and truly and even now, when you probably don't love me anymore, I still love you like an idiot.
Like the _StupidGirl_ I have always been.

I'm not gonna deny I hate all the hurts and scars that you left me and hate the you when you watched me cry and not even pull me into your arms to secure me.

If you're still reading this blog, and you're thinking that I'm clingy and disgusting, feel free to think that way.

Because, I wanna face up to all these emotions, pouring them out so I can feel empty inside.
So I would stop being so bitter.

So my tears wouldn't be held back and they can flow freely, as a channel to release all those words that are choking me because I don't know what to say and how to express.

I'm not gonna deny this fact that.
Jason Lee, I love you.

And I am gonna get over this fact that.
Jason Lee, I'm always gonna love you.
Because you have gave me many beautiful memories.
Because you've played an important role in seeing me grow up.

I'm sorry for wasting your time.
Because of the slow rate that I am maturing at.

In fact, I will always love you.
Always always because I promised you so.
;) , if you still look at our couple memo.

Eternally.
Was my promise to you.

Perhaps to you, it's childish.
You think there's no such love and things like that.
But I know what I said and I know the gravity of this.

I wish I was still the one who gave you feelings no one has ever had.
And how I wish you meant it then and now.

But I know.
I need to grow up.
And accept that you, have chose to let me to just become another fragment of your past.

I'm fine with it.
Perhaps not now.
But soon.
;) because we both deserve to have our own happiness.

Dar, I'll always keep you in my heart.
I love you.