Big argument.

It's been such a long time such a heated argument ever sparked off between my mum and I.

It's for the same old thing that happen again.
She bought something for me to eat.
I didn't know, I didn't eat so it's wasted since it has been left there for a long time and prolly spoilt.

I hate arguing, I hate the feeling of it, and I hate being involved in one.
Especially when it's arguing with someone I love.

Yet in this argument, I realize a lot of things.

That.
1) Every relationship should have effective communication.

For my mum and I, the gap has always been there since young.
Since the time my father passed away.
It was a bit by a bit.
And then now, it becomes a huge thing.

My brother and I neglected her because of computer games.
She neglected us because of our stepdad.
And then both parties blame it on the other side.
And then regrets sank in.
If only my brother and I had cared more about her.

The Facebook incident when I scolded her bitch.
Some words that are said can never be taken back.
I really hate myself.
I think I am a monster.

And most of the time, I think I changed to someone I don't know who I am anymore.

2) Once something is broken, it can never be fixed back fully anymore.

Although my mum and I treasure each other a lot, there're some things that will still be a scar on both of us.
How she always use what I said against myself, my heartfelt words, my troubles.
How she's hurt because I didn't pay much attention to her when I was younger and stuffs like that.
Even though we're fine now, at times like this, those things will always rise up again.

So when something, a misunderstanding arise, solve it, before it becomes bigger and before it snowballs and hurts someone or yourself deeper.

3) I miss him.

When I was crying and wishing I could just die, and thinking if I should jump out of the balcony or cut myself, I wish I had him to call.
There was this urge to call him, wishing he would comfort me like he did.
But I know he'll most likely be sick hearing my crying sound and sniffing and he would just ignore me.

I wish I could stay at his house.
But I know, at that moment, it became clear that we can never be together the same, be together anymore...