Another Post of Rantings.

As the title suggest, that is how this post is going to be.
After a whole night of talking about the injustice I feel for myself, I realize this relationship is more than just a unhealthy relationship, it's a waste of time, going nowhere.

Me: I feel that I am not special at all sometimes.
Him: Why?
Me: Because whatever you do for me, you do for other girls.
Him: And how does that makes you not special?

What I never say was, if I said '<3' to other guys?
If I do a <3_<3 face to other guys?
Even if that person is my best friend, will you be jealous?
Will you feel less special?
If you don't think that will make you feel less special, does that mean I can actually do that to whichever guys I am talking to now?

No one knows this.
But every single individual I care about stands a special place in my heart, a special place that no one else can take over, nor will I share this special place with another individual.

For Ram, he is known to me as 'dear', as 'querido', I have never called anyone else that.
Even when I am writing to friends, I always start with 'dearest', because this exact word 'dear' means a whole lot to me.
After 10 October 2010, the only time I use that word is when I am writing formal letters in school (or in assignments).
In Audition, ;love, ;luv, ;lub, ;hoho, ;chan, are emoticons that I never use.
Because those are the emoticons that Ram and I shared.
And every use of it will remind me of the interactions that he and I ever had in that game.
Has anyone noticed that?

For Alee, you are known to me as 'dar/darling', 'laogong', 'hubby'.
Honestly, I have never called anyone my hubby before.
And you were the first one I ever address as 'hubby', in my whole entire life, when Thalidomide first got married to __alee__ .
I know I told you this once before, because I wanted you to know that you held a special place in my heart.
But no matter how I try to make you understand this, you never seem to understand.

On my part, I have been trying to keep the special thing special.
Making each and every single individual unique.
What about you?
Letting other girl call you 'larling'?
Calling that girl 'sayang'?
'Pretty woman, walking down the street, pretty woman' is a song lyric you sing to me when I am feeling so down about myself, when I think that I am ugly, but you are actually saying this to another girl?
How special am I supposed to feel?
I don't know.
My head is aching, literally.
I don't know what to think anymore.
This is hurting more than I can say, and my tears are just welling up now.

My Facebook posts, blog, is filled with sad things.
Filled with contents that clearly hint that I am not okaez.
Besides asking if I am okaez, what did you do about it?
Perhaps you cared, make a change for one hour to one day, and everything goes back to square one.
EVERYTHING.

Yet when the ex you slept with posted something that suggests she is sad?
You asked what happened.
In both situation, you did the same thing.
Am I supposed to feel special?

You.
Asked.
Your.
Ex.
What.
Is.
Wrong.

And you're whining when I am spending time reading my friends' blogs?
Lolz, what logic is that?

You can't deny, Jason, that you are good in wooing girls.
But I have to be frank with you, you are not good with keeping them with you.
I am not poking any insult to the relationships you ever had.
But I am trying to let you know, you make me feel like just another fragment in your relationship life.

I, Seah Hui Yee, don't feel special at all.

In Social Studies, I learnt that ideology differences can lead to war.
And here, I shall let you know why.
Ideologies are mindsets that are instilled in us as we grow.
They are what we strongly believe in.
And when people disagree with what we strongly believe in?
That's when miscommunication, disagreements will kick in.
Eventually leading to arguments and fights.
And this is what is happening between us.

You don't find doing the love face to other girls a problem.
I do.
You don't mind your girlfriend or wife not being a virgin.
I do (unless my boyfriend was being raped, that's a different case).

I know you don't understand why I am so attached to Audii.
So let me explain it to you, for the last time, and this time, I shall compare it with the love of your life, Manchester United.

Soccer, is not just a bunch of men chasing after a ball on the soccer field.
Similarly, AuditionSEA is not just a computer games where players hit arrows according to what is shown on the screen.
Both games require skills, require practice, and once you're good at it, a sense of achievement will come to you.

For you, UnitedForUnited is a place where you and the other United Fans talk about the glory and woes of the club, you make friends, you chat there.
For me, AuditionSEA is a place where I make friends too, and those happen to be the friends that I share my happiness and woes with.
Need example?
Pinguo.
Charlotte.
Amanda.
Abang Naqib.
Shirney Jie.
And don't forget, you and I met through the game too.
So before you want to say that this game is childish, please remember you were playing it at the age of 21.
And when interest comes into topic, age don't really matter.

I don't know about you, perhaps the players in Manchester United inspires you with their passion, motivates you with their hard work in striving for the glory of the club.
But AuditionSEA to me, is like a second life, where I learn about reality.
Need examples?

• Learning how to play it:
  When I first started learning how to play it, left and right was a confusion.
  I couldn't chance, I couldn't 'great', hitting a 'cool' was something amazing and 'bad' was what I could manage most of the time, not to mention 'perfect' was something known to me as 'godly'.
  What I learn is, in life, we have to start from the scratch in everything.
  Sometimes, somebody has flair for a certain thing, but it doesn't mean I can't do it.
  I wasn't born to play a piano, but it doesn't mean I can't, I know I can if I got a chance to learn it.
  In Audii, I suck so badly, but I did it now, because I believe I could, I tried.
• Learning chance:
  Most of the newbies will probably have an advantage, being able to learn from C1, or even have fun with the other chances, but when I started Audii, there was only a C3.
  And I took 1 year, to actually learn that, from a 200k in NPC Let's Start It 99BPM, to a 500k in that very same mode.
  But I did it, because I practiced.
  And it makes me understand that in life, I have to do that too.
  And that was what motivated me to keep trying in Maths.
• Falling in love with BBOYS4/8:
  I never liked to try new things, even up till now, unless I can label that new thing as interesting the moment I set my eyes upon it.
  Similarly, so many modes in Audii, being stuck to Dance Battle 4 (the then DB4 now also known as CC-4) is not that much a good choice to make, I tried Beat Up, and managed to become one of the better players in Novice during the time when BUBP was prosperous (which was why I know Kyo ^^) , and even eventually falling in love with BBoys-4 and 8k because of that mode.
  In life, I learnt that new things are worth trying =) , even if they may look difficult at first.
  Which was why, I never gave up on AMaths.
• Setting a FAM:
  I never achieved much in other games.
  In Neopets, I never got my pet to battle, because I feel for them, I am afraid that they might die or get hurt (yes, I feel for my avatars in games, Audii included).
  I never got pass Level 60 in Runescape, because I don't wanna face a Level 120 event monster and get killed.
  In Maple, I never got pass 500k messo myself and I never got pass Level 50 because my account would always get hacked before that.
  But in Audii, ~LOONIES~ was a fruit, a baby I can be proud of because I set it up myself.
  I remembered earning all the dens myself through BUBP (which explains why I was good in it because I kept playing with it) and upgraded house after house with the help of Shirney Jie, Kyo and the others.
  I learnt that I can be a leader too.
  I should not always just be a follwer, I can try to be a leader.
  But it doesn't have to be one that has power over the others.
  A leader can be someone who walks on the same road as the followers, be of the same level as them and be their friends.
  I never treated any LOONIES member as my followers, I ain't God.
  They're all my friends.
  I fought so hard to protect this baby.
  And this year, it will be 4 years old.
  It's like taking care of a kid.
  For the first time, I feel that I can shoulder a responsibility.
  While other FAMs mass recruited and got their FPs robbed, LOONIES remained quiet and safe.
  While other FAMs attacked each other and had war, LOONIES remained calm and low-profile.
  It wasn't until studies took away my attention that LOONIES dropped.
  For a period of time, I can proudly say that LOONIES was one of the top 10 FAMs in AuditionSEA.
  And it was probably the first Novice FAM to have got so far.
  Why?
  Because I had the best 'followers' in the whole of AuditionSEA who helped in channels even though I got the lousiest channels.
  Why do I have so much to say about LOONIES?
  Because it's the best platform for me to learn about my life.
  Let me tell you about it through the next point.
• Buying channels:
  When I succeed, it's like I can smile to myself for the whole day.
  When I fail, it's like I can't do well in everything.
  But always, always, forever and always, there'll be a bunch of Loonatics supporting me, never blaming me when I fail in buying channels, forever sticking by in this FAM, despite the arguments we have, despite all the hardships that LOONIES have to go through.
  I had to try and try after being enveloped by the sense of failure each time I failed getting a channel.
  There are many hacks now, making it harder to get a channel, but you know what?
  I can be proud of myself and this FAM because we never used a hack once to get any channel, no matter how hard it gets.
• Our 200M house.
  It took us more than three years, legit and non-legit ways to get all these amounts.
  But we finally did it.
  And this makes me realize that in life, there are not always things we can do alone.
  But with people to support us, nearly everything is possible.

Do you have a general idea of how much AuditionSEA means to me now?
It's not just a game.
It's an escape from reality to me.
While beer and soccer helps you take a break from this cruel world, AuditionSEA does.
The friends inside does.

Tumblr has this post.
Friends in real-life: Are you okaez?
Me: I am fine.
Friends in real-life: Okaez, that's good.

***

Friends online: Are you okaez?
Me: I am fine.
Friends online: No, you're not, tell me about it.

Yes, while some people find it easy to express how it feels offline, there are people like me who finds it easier to express how I feel online, some of the time (I have learnt how to express myself offline better as years goes by).
And even in real-life, when I need a listening ear, who do I go to?
The people I know from Audii.
Without Audii, what will become of me?
Without Audii, I may have committed suicide.
All these best friends that holds me when I tripped, pull me up when I fall?
Yea, they'll never be with me now.
And my best friends?
Boon and Char, they may never have met each other.

So please.
Before you ever demerit this game, please think about what it means to me, what it may mean to you, and the fact that we will never meet if not for this game.

To Char:
I know I told you I will translate something for you, I shall do it now.
But I can't seem to copy and paste the text, forgive me.
So I shall give you the link.
一篇写给男人的信
This passage impacted me.
When I first read it, my brain automatically translated it.
Hahaz, this probably has a little something to do with my Translation classes but.
Ohwell, here goes.

"Man, how are you?

Do you find that after she starts to rely on you,
She can't seem to leave you?

In actual fact, leaving you is a painful thing.
But it doesn't mean that she can't.
Once she made up her mind,
Chucking away those sweet memories and picking up pieces of her shattered heart,
And start on her journey to leaving you,
She will turn back no more.

Many years later,
Perhaps she will thank you for disappointing her over and over again.
Because that made her choice to leave you an easier one.

Man, how are you?

I need you to know.
That in every girl's heart lies a region of low self-esteem.
It's filled with resentments about herself.

Those resentments come from you.
She wishes to be at her best in front of you.
So please, stop telling her that she is fat, or that she is short.

A man who is mature,
Will make his girl feel confident and good about herself by giving her his love.
Not the half-insults that one gives mocking her, and hurting her pride.

Man, how are you?

Do you know.
When a girl falls in love,
Her whole world changes.

She puts relationship before friendship.
She becomes a little more childish.
And when she falls sick, she calls, not her mum, but you.

So.
When she is feeling miserable,
Be it mentally or physically,
No matter how serious it is,
Please comfort her with your gentleness.
Your every smile, every terms of endearment,
Works better than anything.

Man, how are you?

Do you find that,
Girls are extremely sentimental?
Preferring words that are penned down.

Telling you a little of their unhappiness, a little of their wish?

This is because they believe,
That there'll be this day when you're bored, and you happen to look at the words,
You'll share the happiness they feel, even if it's so minimal.

In fact, they wish that occasionally, you'll write to them like how they write to you.

Man, how are you?

Do you know that,
When a girl falls in love,
No matter how independent they were, they will eventually get used to relying on you?

That is why they will call or text you every now and then.
Do you know what that means?
Having less time for her friends,
Giving up on flings.
In her world, she sees only you.

Man, how are you?

Do you know what a girl is most afraid of?
It is the "Let's break up" that comes out from your mouth in anger.

This is the weakness of girls.
She has already convinced herself many times,
To the point of telling herself that she should not be that cheap.

But the passion and gentleness that you once gave her,
Has already made her forget how to be independent, to be strong.
You should never be the only one making the decision to break up.

Man, how are you?

Do you know that after every argument,
What kind of emotions she is carrying while waiting for your call or text?

She is not waiting for an apology.
She will feel better even if it's just hearing the sound of you breathing through the phone.

Because she is scared.
But slowly.
There is nothing more to say.

Man, how are you?

Do you know.
A repetition of "I love you" isn't what she wants.
When said more than needed,
The meaning of this sentence devalues.

What she needs is you to be more thoughtful.
Let her know,
That you've always been thinking of her.
Never putting her out of your mind even for a single second.

And not always using those three words to make us feel that we cease to exist.
Is that alright?"

Not bad ehz?
As I translate, I have a feel thoughts in mind.
So I shall add them on here.

"That is why they will call or text you every now and then.
Do you know what that means?
Having less time for her friends,
Giving up on flings.
In her world, she sees only you."

A guy may say that he never asked her to do it for her.
But you know what?
She is doing it willingly for you.
If you have this kind of girl with you, don't be a jerk and complain that she is clingy, she is sucking away your freedom, suffocating the both of you.
Really, she just needs your care and attention.
If she feels insecure, it's probably half the time because you gave her reasons to be.
Cherish girls like this because you'll never know once you let go of some one like this, you'll never meet one that cares for you that much anymore.

Perhaps you may think that you can meet someone better.
But are you sure she will be better?
Will she put in effort like how this current one put in for you?
Will she appreciate you like this current one did?

Cherish.
If not, don't ever pick her up in the first place.

Jason, you should never have picked me up.
Because day by day, I am regretting this whole relationship.
And I wish we never started.

Do you know?
Everything is asking me to let go.

/AnnWai.

Querido, this is for you...

"当对的人；

等不到对的时间；

就在放开手的瞬间；

爱撕成两边。"

Translation:

When the right person ;

Waited at the wrong time ;

Love is torn into two at the point of letting go.