Shall prepare to go out of house, after I finished blogging for this entry.
I wasn't intending to post this, but there's such a struggle going inside me I have to.
I woke up today, knowing that my boyfriend went through my computer documents.
And knowing that he went to the blog that I wrote for Dodo, for what reasons, I don't know.
Not his fault, since I set the blog public, anyone can do.
But I have to remind anyone reading that blog that most of the contents were written a long time ago.
And it does not have any effect now.
Perhaps the last post.
The others are just invalid after my "crush" on Dodo faded and diminished.
I have no idea, what's going on in my relationship.
What I know is that everyday, I am torn between showing that I am sad, and trying to fake that I am happy.
Seriously, why can't the both of us be truthful to each other.
Trust each other, stop doubting each other.
And come clean to what we feel inside us?
Those MSN conversations that you read were all in the past.
I was bored, and I love chatting, seriously.
I love to type, I love to text.
I don't deny that.
Sometimes, I just wanna talk to someone and no one's free for me.
So I talk to just about anyone.
But that doesn't mean I am cheating on you so stop thinking that I do.
Seriously.
Today, you weren't beside me when I woke up.
It scared me, thinking you might have woke up late for work.
But when I saw the time and I looked for your phone, I felt relieved because you weren't.
You came back not long after I continue lying down on bed.
I called you twice, "Laogong, laogong" before you finally reacted with a "Mm".
You looked for a top to wear and I looked at you find it.
I was anticipating that you would join me and accompany me on bed, just lying down beside me or something for a while before you went off but.
No, you chose to use Facebook.
Or surf some website that I couldn't see with or without my specs.
I said, "Dar, why you never come and pei me."
I am not sure if you noticed but you were frustrated when you replied me with a, "Wait larhz," and scratched your head.
There's this urge inside me to cry.
Seriously.
I don't know what did I do to deserve this early in the morning.
Because all I wanted was you to accompany me for that while before you get your ass out of the house and go to work.
You shut down the computer not long after.
And I was already sitting up on the bed.
Earlier on, I turned off your ringing alarm, hence your phone was beside mine when you were looking for it.
I passed it to you.
And you touched my head, asking me to go back to sleep.
(Yes, I noticed little things like that despite being sleepy.)
I lied down on bed and I don't know if you covered blanket for me, but I know I already pulled some over myself then adjusted it.
You then leaned in to kiss me.
Not the lips, not the usual forehead, but the cheek.
And it was only a cheek to cheek thing.
I said, "Never kiss dao ); ."
And you leaned in to lemme kiss, so I did, one your forehead.
I said, "Just now your that kiss not counted."
You leaned in for a second one.
It was a lip to cheek thing.
*
I have no idea when was the last time we hugged each other so tightly I can't breathe.
Or just lay down side by side on your bed, enjoying each other's company.
I miss both of us laughing and smiling, rolling around on your bed.
And the times when we didn't check up on each other's stuff.
These days, I am beginning to wonder.
Am I the one with problem?
That's why my relationships are ever failing.
Dar, I know you're thinking why can't I stop using other accounts and talk to other people.
Honestly, the other time when I told you I would deactivate the other Facebook accounts, I meant it.
And I wanna do them in front of you.
Even if you ask me to, I would.
But there wasn't a chance I could ever do it in front of you.
I removed the girl's picture from that Facebook.
Seriously, that Facebook is only used when I need a Facebook for the FAMs I join in Audii.
I don't even chat to the friends inside unnecessarily.
Even if I chat with Ant, it's not as though I am flirting with him, frankly speaking.
*
Before I fell asleep.
I asked you to promise me something.
And you asked what.
I said, "One day, if you no longer have feelings for me, tell me so."
Despite the, "I don't know, I don't know how long we can last, maybe gonna break up soon" I tell people and even, convince myself with, I don't think you have any idea of how much fear I had inside me when I asked you to promise that.
You nodded your head, eyes fixed on the Macbook in front of you.
I wanted to sleep, but I can feel my heart ripping, bit by bit.
Which is why the second question came, "Do you think that'll happen?"
I know for sure in the past that you'd definitely said something like, "Of course not, are you stupid? Ohya, I forgot you are." and then give some stupid laugh.
And nowadays when you're in a good mood, you will look at me with the o_O expression and ask, "You mad, girl?"
Yeah, being with you for one year plus, I can somehow predict the answers you'd give.
And the answers I will get with the different kind of expressions showed on your face.
I know our relationship have been stretching and straining.
And your birthday is just tomorrow.
I really want you to be happy, especially on such a special day.
Given a choice, I would very much wish to be the one to be make you smile and laugh like no one ever does.
But the fact is that, I don't think I can anymore.
Nowadays, when we're together, you seldom laugh that way anymore.
Which is why I said I might be staying over at home tonight.
But you said, "Go lorhz, then I spend my birthday alone."
By that, I assumed you want my company, especially when you say "Because pass 12AM is my birthday le."
*
I wanna give you that birthday kiss the moment the clock strikes 12.
Honestly.
But today, when I wake up to knowing you saw those chat convos, lolz, I am not so sure about that anymore.
Truth to be told, I might be clumsy, and slow, but it doesn't mean I don't know how to observe.
You keep asking why when I look at your nowadays.
I didn't know I must have a reason to be looking at the face of my boyfriend.
Seriously, if you wanna have a reason, then it'll be, "Because I wanna see your expression and eyes."
Of course, you forgot how you forced me to look into your eyes a year ago when we were having a big fight.
I miss how you hold my hands and force me to calm down when I lose my cool.
Well, even if you forgot, I can still vividly remember what happened that night.
Because it was exactly that pair of eyes, and lips that made me melt.
That pair of eyes, wide open, imploring for my attention.
Tears welled up, pretty obviously, and they start to fall, one by one.
Your lips were shaking, and you looked at me intently, asking me to look in your eyes and tell you what do I see.
That expression, is etched so deeply inside me.
It's a huge contrast compared to the zombie-like, half-opened eyes you show me every now and then when you face me.
When I cried yesterday, I had to asked for your hug, had to ask you to coax me.
You patted on my head and finally said, "Dear you very pretty, don't cry le."
I don't know that when you said I'm pretty, you mean it, or you said it because you can't stand me crying in front of it.
You kept saying you don't know how to make me feel better, when I asked you to.
But that fact it, it's not that you don't know.
There's a difference between not knowing and not wanting to try.
Whenever I am pissed off with my school issues or family issues, you'll always be there putting your arms around me, kissing me on the lips so I can't cuss, and embracing me tightly because you want me to know that you're there with me even though you might not help me solve the problems.
Honestly, that's enough.
Just that hug and that kiss alone is enough.
I don't need you to solve my problems for me, I just need a listening ear and those arms of yours.
The kisses were bonuses I didn't have to ask for.
*
When we were having dinner yesterday with your mum, my mum called, telling me about my ahma and herself falling sick.
Adding on to the misery inside me, is the fact that my relatives are being insensitive airheads trying to get us to have a maid.
I have told you before, I will never accept the idea of it.
Although I keep telling you that you're lucky to have a maid, I don't want one at all.
Even though my room may be messy, I don't need anyone else to help me clear it up.
And I mentioned to you before, why my mum don't wanna have a maid at home - because of this stepdad.
You didn't asked about my mum, or at the very least, wish that she'll get well soon.
You were even insensititive enough to insist that having a maid in my house is the best solution now for my ahma.
Perhaps it is, from the point of view of an outsider, who doesn't stay at that home.
But have you tried to be in my shoes and think from my perspective?
I have live without a maid for 17 years of my life, I have stayed with you for 1 year, so I can't stay 18.
And the fact is that, I don't trust maid.
A maid is a stranger.
And I am not stereotyping but I think maids nowadays are weird.
That's compounding on to the fact that they might be of more trouble than help.
No one will be at home most of the time, who'll keep watch of the maid?
*
You're a 25 year old man.
I am a 18 year old teenage girl.
"That's why God gave us the brains to communicate."
-- Jason Lee Huang Kee.
So, where is the communication now?
7 years age gap.
I'm trying to make it work.
What about the gender difference?
You're not helping at all, to make things work out by keeping everything to yourself.
Pretending that there is no problem between us, is not a way to maintain this relationship long-term.
And keeping everything to yourself is not gonna increase the understanding we have of each other.
*
For almost everything that I do, you keep asking why.
I look at you, you ask why. (So looking at my boyfriend requires a reason.)
I ask for a kiss, you ask why. (So being kissed by my boyfriend requires a reason.)
I use Facebook, you ask why.
I check Twitter, you ask why.
People text me, you ask why. (I don't have telepathy ability, just as curious as you are, I have no idea to why people text me before I open up and look at the full message.)
You used to be that naggy old man haunting me about using my phone and non-stop texting when I am with you.
And now?
You've become that in-trend young man who can't stop using Twitter to check on me and Manchester United.
Or Facebook whenever you're free.
I keep telling you that technology is pulling people apart.
Yeah, you agree, but you ain't doing a thing to prevent that from happening to us.
*
There are times when I wish I can tell you everything.
Like the thing with Charlotte and Pinguo.
It's not as if I cannot tell you what happened.
It's just that, I don't know how to say it in a way that I will have your understanding.
I am not trying to imply that I will be twisting the events of what really happened, but I can just imagine your reply when I tell you what I told Amanda.
There's a reason why I chose to tell her.
Because I know, the first thing she'd do, is to provide understanding.
Not reprimanding, not commenting, but understand.
I wanted to type out, word by word, to genuinely let you know how I felt.
How miserable I felt.
But the moment I predict what will be your reply, which is most likely a "Hiyaz then let them be luhz, why you always wanna care about them de?" , my heart just sank deeply, and cold.
Sometimes, when I tell you some thing, I don't need you to comment on it.
I just need understanding.
I talk to Ant, I talk to Ken, because I know they could give me the understanding I need.
I could talk to Amanda and Charlotte of course.
But they'd be sick of what I wanna say.
Plus, at that kind of timing, they'd have both been asleep.
If one day, you'd talk to me with that kind of understanding, I can vouch for myself that I wouldn't have to talk to others about us.
Because I know you'll be with me to conquer the obstacles.
Thing is, at this moment, do I have you with me?
*
Different people have different ways of handling sadness.
I am not sure what's yours.
Perhaps sleeping?
Perhaps ignoring everything and talk about nothing then pretending nothing had ever happened.
You have never told me before, so I don't know.
But I told you before, when I am sad, I need to talk.
And since you don't wanna be the one I talk to, because you wanna sleep (just so as you claim, you won't see me cry), what gives you the rights to actually stop me from talking to other people ("Why must you always talk to others about us?" -- you asked this before), why do you still wanna ask why I wanna talk to people ("Why you keep talking to them?" -- you might or might not noticed you keep asking this) and why do you still wanna ask the obvious when I am talking to someone to divert my depression ("Sad must talk one mehz? I also never talk when I am sad." -- you just said this this morning when I was talking to Ken and Ant) ?
Just like I can't expect you to cool down my way, you can't expect me to bottle things up your way.
Again, the lack of understanding is noticeable here.
*
Nowadays, everyone and everything spoils your mood so ever easily.
When the bus take a little longer to come, you'll get angry.
When the cab don't come or there's a long queue, you'll lose your patience.
When your mum asks you to decide the venue for us to have meal, you'll be fed up.
When you knock off from work, you'll always be frowning.
When someone texts me, you'll be like squinting your eyes and probe who texts me and why the person text me even before I open the message.
When I check gardens, you'll be irritated, not understanding why I always have to check garden.
And when I talk to you, you'll give a half-hearted answer.
As time pass, everyone changes.
But I longed for that patience you used to have.
Yes, you warned me before, there's a limit to your patience.
I regretted not taking your advice.
Why?
Because at that time, when I took it for granted, I never thought I would accept you as my boyfriend.
*
I don't understand.
I really don't.
How can you be so cold to me, indirectly pushing me to get closer to another source of warm, then getting angry when I am trying to get heat.
Dar, I am a human, a girl you know.
I am not made of metal or plastic.
I am a living thing as much as you are.
I can feel emotions that way you do.
And I definitely need care and concern.
You told me before, you were scared of love.
So am I.
Things turn out this way.
I have a part to play.
I am trying to piece things up.
So help me.
I can't do this alone.
I keep breaking down.
All I need was just that hug.
That kiss.
That understanding.
*
Oh God, here comes the tears.
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