And then while taking a break from the sucky thing that I was doing, I saw what Alee tweeted on his Twitter and I don't know what to say or how to feel.
I really feel like asking him, what those tweets really meant.
But I can already forsee the kind of reaction he'd give me.
Let's see.
Usually, Alee don't tweet or post anything on Twitter or Facebook.
But he tweeted this today.
"Unable to tear down this mask."
I feel like asking, why are you even wearing this mask?
You were the one in the past, to ask me to stop being other people and be myself.
If there's so, why are you hiding behind a mask now?
Nor does he retweet anything.
But he retweeted this.
"Emotionally: I'm in pain.
Mentally: I'm depressed.
Spiritually: I'm stress.
Physically: I smile."
What was he trying to say?
I bet he probably really feel this way.
I feel so heavily burdened now.
I am contemplating whether to leave his house, like shift back to where I really belong and let him have his own space.
Yet if he comes home and I am gone without a word, he'd be angry.
I wanna ask him about this, but I can guess, if we're at his house, he most likely will fall asleep while I am talking to him, with reasons like he's tired, or he will just naturally fall asleep as if my voice is so hypnotizing.
If we're outside, he's gonna keep quiet and look away from my eyes.
Either that or he's gonna gimme that freaking blank eyes again.
And if I make a din, he'll probably dump me somewhere.
Or even, just move on without me if I continue talking things he don't wanna hear.
I don't get it.
Why does he wanna keep everything to himself?
If he's in pain, why can't he share it with me?
If he's depressed, why don't he tell?
If he's stressed, why don't he confide in me?
Instead, he choose to smile.
Emotionally: I'm in pain, because my boyfriend hurt me.
Mentally: I'm depressed, because my boyfriend is nonchalant about the fact that I'm in pain.
Spiritually: I'm stress because I don't know how to communicate with him without hurting us both and there's shitty assignment waiting for me.
Physically: So, I cry and then, I smile, with a breaking heart, trying to hold my tears in, but I keep failing so I end up bawling like a loser.
I don't know what you think.
But to me, telling someone about how I feel, being truthful about how vulnerable I am doesn't make me weak.
It's a way for me to let out the feelings bottled inside me before I transform into a monster who wants to destroy everything in this world.
As much as I wish that I have super powers, I am comforted that I have none, because I don't know what this world will become if I have any and not put to good use, especially when I have a bad mood.
Humans are all selfish, I am no exception.
It's just the extent of how selfish each individual might be.
And how one prevents himself or herself from being selfish.
I am writing this paragraph here, not to show you that I am a saint, admitting that I am selfish.
I am here to confess that I have times when I wanna be selfish too.
And if I do, please forgive me, because I am only human.
Next, I don't know why the guys I got together with can't just be clean with their own feelings.
What is wrong, seriously, what is wrong with admitting that they are hurt because of something I do or say.
What is wrong with telling me what do I expect too much from them?
I don't get it.
And then at the end of the day.
One demands a break up.
And the other choose to send me to the cold corner of his heart.
Seriously, I don't know what to feel.
They have the right to keep quiet, they might feel better this way, so I have no rights to be angry.
It might be because they don't want me to be sad, don't want me to worry about them being stress, so I have no rights to be sad.
But it's such an emotional war that I cannot fight alone.
Part of me wanna confront him, but part of me knows that nothing will come out of it.
Nothing, but bad mood and raging emotions.
Part of me wanna just drop everything and break up but part of me wanna hold on to him.
I'm debating inside me.
I feel such strong devils inside me that no matter what I do, the devils stay.
And the best, simplest remedy I ever need was for him to talk to me like how we used to thrash out problems.
It's always like this ain't it?
When it isn't your problem, you give advices easily.
Alee can tell me what to do when I have clashes with Ram.
He can tell me what to do when I face friendship conflicts at school.
But when it's him and I now?
He shuts up.
And then he tweets all those things.
I feel like shutting down Facebook, shutting down Twitter, shutting down every social networking sites that we have mutual access to.
Even this blog.
But I don't want to.
Because I don't want him to shut me out of his world.
Albeit I don't see the reason to why I fight so hard to stay in his world.
By right, if he really loves me, I don't even have to fight so hard to stay because he'd want me too.
It's logical right?
If you really love the person, why would you wanna shut he or her out of your world?
You would catch the person you love before he or she runs too far and you regret.
Yet in Alee and my case, he never seem to will regret if he ever lose me in any situation.
And I am sick, so sick of feeling so worthless in our relationship.
I hate to tell others about us.
I hate to call other people when I need someone to talk to.
Because why would I wanna trumpet around our problems when I can talk to you?
Why would I wanna call other people when you're right beside me?
Don't you ever get it?
I tell others because you won't talk to me.
And I am at a loss of what to do.
I call others because you're ever sleeping when I wanna talk to you.
That call with Ant shows it clearly that you weren't sound asleep.
But that's just selfish you know.
You wanna protect your feelings, then what about mine?
Are you taking advantage of the fact that you know I'll come crawling back to you?
You have dignity.
And you think I have none?
I have.
You have no idea.
How fucking sucks it feels when you have so much to talk about, but have no idea how to put it across.
Where to start or when to say.
Because anytime seems like a wrong timing.
Any way of telling makes things sounds so wrong.
And then I post bits and pieces up on Facebook or Twitter and people thinks I am an emo freak but all I want is for you to see and for you to do something about it and you're doing nothing.
And then the words choke me, suffocate me, and the only way for those emotions to be released is through tears but in your eyes, I am a weakling, a loser.
THEN WHAT THE FUCK YOU WANT ME TO DO?
I AM CRYING, YOU DIG?
No you don't.
Because you always let tears stream down my face.
Right in front of you.
With your eyes right open.
You watch those tears flow.
You watch how they ran.
You watch how I can't breathe.
And you leave me there to die.
You look away, and pretend.
Pretend you never did see anything.
And then you have the cheek to tweet those things.
I hate comparing the past and now.
The past you and the current you.
A quote says, "People say you changed because you stopped living the way they want you to."
I feel guilty of it.
I say you changed because you stopped treating me the way I want you to.
But think again, do I really expect that much from you?
I just wanna feel like your girlfriend you know?
I just wanna share your emotions and burdens with you so you won't feel pain, depressed or what.
I have been trying to get into your world and I feel so cheap, so slutty, so bitchy so trying to hard and it's hurting my pride to try so hard and yet I cannot stop trying because I know you won't try and I hate it when we both are not trying because I know that it's gonna end up with both of us drifting in this relationship.
Yet it's so obvious right?
If we drift apart it means our feelings totally cannot take the test and we should just stop wasting out time on each other and things end here once and for all.
But guess what?
I'm a loser, and I don't have that fucking courage to give up.
So I am torn between trying and not trying.
Talking and not talking.
Crying and not crying.
Smiling and not smiling.
Leaving and not leaving.
Loving and try to stop loving.
Killing myself or leave on.
But I only know how to cry.
Yet like I said, in your eyes, I will be nothing but a weakling.
Yes, you love me, I believe.
But how much?
So.
Should I thank you?
For breaking my heart again and again so effortlessly.
That's your talent, ain't it?
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