As promised, first lesson and Confession #1 !

7.09PM.
Okaez...
So as I was saying...
Blogging what I do for the day is too mainstream, hence I shall add in interesting thing like confessions.
;D , everybody love secrets, right !
So I am sharing mine.
LOLZ.
Okaez lahz, not really.
But I came up with this confession idea because it's a way of helping me to understand myself.
;) .
And I believe understanding myself will help me reinvent myself.
So yes, look forward to the new me, people ^_^ .

But before the confession thing starts, I will first blog about the first lesson yesterday of course.
I kind of lost inspiration about what to write on yesterday but yes, generally, even though I didn't gain a lot a lot from the lessons, I actually look forward to the lessons that are upcoming.

Like I said, everyone went there with a reason.
And for me, I have my own as well.
And well, keeping myself occupied doesn't seem like a bad thing because I am jolly well more free now ;D .

On a side note, iPhone looks pretty without a cover.
That's true.
But it looks so vulnerable as well.
;roar !

Back on track.
Yesyes, that's generally what I wanna disclose about the lessons LOLZ.

Next is my confession.

Let's see.
Confession #1: I have lost confidence in relationship.

Hmmz, perhaps, to you who are reading this, you might be thinking that it's usual because I am at a stage where it isn't working out no matter how hard I try, and it will get better and that this feeling will be gone when this storm is over.
But the truth is, this feeling have always been with me, even before I started my first ever relationship.
And the sad thing is, I have been truthful about this point to my boyfriends but they never really understood what it really means.

Nowadays, a lot of people get together just because they want a companion, and when they meet someone new, they dump the one they're with and move on to the next one.
Being in the modern world, it is not uncommon that people instantly develop an attachment, or interest in "new" and dispose the "old", and sadly, that applies in relationship too.
Therefore, in the modern society, the divorce and breaking up rates are ever increasing.
Kids are starting to date at a younger and younger age.
Although age does not define maturity, but seriously, how many 12 year-olds can meet their true love and understand what it really mean by love?

And like what I saw on Twitter the other day, many young kids nowadays misuse the meaning of the ring on the nameless finger, they simply put the ring there because at that moment, they're so passionately in love they thought it would last forever, only to find out that in a few months after they wore the ring, the relationship is over.

To me, the ring on that finger is important.
I believe I did emphasized this to Alee.
Rings, even the ones in Audii, the virtual ones mean a lot to me.
Not to mention the ones I wear in reality.
I wouldn't simply wear any ring any guy give me on my nameless finger.

He was the first one, to put it on me.
And he was the one to put it on that finger.

Personally, I believe relationship is not just about love.
It's about trust, understanding, honesty, communication and of course, other elements (the list can go on so I shall stop here).
Yes, faith.
Yea, that's one of the more important ones as well.
Commitment.
Relationship is a commitment, as well as a responsibility.
If you choose to step into a relationship, it's only fair to say, you have choose to let yourself involved in this commitment, and hence, it is also fair to say, it is your responsibility to maintain it.

Which is why I never gave up on relationships easily.
Even if the other party may think I am disgusting, I am clingy, I am what.
Old-fashion and slow, for not moving on fast enough.
But that's just me.

I don't know why Alee chose to put that ring on that finger.
Did he really think of marrying me?
Or perhaps to him, it was just romantic and he was just being one of those kids who have no respect for the meaning of the ring?
I don't know.

Because up till this day, there're still a lot of things I don't know about him as a person.
And I doubt he even knows himself that well either.
So well, at least I know, I tried my best.

Ahz yes, I am almost side tracking.
So I was saying the divorce and breaking up rates went up.
And I conveniently witness quite a number of "love you forever" becoming "eff you bastard/bitch" and then a few days later a "you'll be my last romance, baby", kind of situation.
It makes me wonder.
Do people nowadays really value the word "love", so they really understand the meaning of it?
Or do they just get together with someone because they think feelings can develop later and as long as they don't dislike the other party, it's okaez to just get together first and convince themselves they're in love later?

Which is why I told both Ram and Alee, why it takes me a while to open up and all.
But histories just repeating.
So yea, I believe something's just wrong with me.
And I think I better get gone, back to the ancient China kind of society.
;\ , I am THAT old-school.

There is a difference between "like" and "love".
I can still remember how Ram and I started off.
I know, that's "love".
Because we knew what each other thoughts were, even when there's no words being said.
We looked past the imperfections both of us had and compromise with each other.
Oh, it was until the dark days and the cold came when we both just got stuck in the avalanche and died there.

I remember how Alee and I started out and I know, that's "like".
Because, I didn't had respect for him.
I wasn't afraid to lose him.
I took him for granted.
Seriously, I wasn't even treating him like a human.
Except when I think my mood was good or when he tells me he's upset because of something I do that hurt him and that made my heart ached and then I cared for him.

But in the end, what I know is, I love both of them.
Each in a different way.

That's one thing about relationship.
I believe once you really loved someone, you'll never forget about that person.
Even if it's "like" too.
Ram once told me he can still remember his primary school crush.
LOLZ, it was cute.
Hahahaz.
And he'll also keep (her) in his heart.
I think prolly the first girl he ever like seriously liked or loved.
Or should I say, want a serious relationship was.
I could accept that.
Really, because he made me felt like I was the only one that mattered to him.
And that's all I need.
And I understand how important she was to him.
How she made him change.
So yea, I can accept her.
Because she is part of him, and I cannot change that.
The kind of security that girls want from their guys.

I can't express that feeling well.
But being able to accept something for it is, it truly a wonderful feeling.

As for Alee, I never had the security because.
Well, the V thing, and of course, his friendly actions and words with other girls.
And I couldn't feel that special, it was like.
I probably know I am just another girl in his life.
Except for the first few months when he went after me and kept saying he'd take care of me for the next 70 years.

I know he would always love them, his first ex especially, for teaching him so many things, like he said, the good ones and the bad ones.
And I believe when he said he love them, he meant it too.
Although he kept trying to convince me he never had the feel of wanting to start a family with anyone until he met me.

He even told me before when he was with his first ex, he knew they wouldn't last and he knew she can't make it to be his wife.
Yet, deep in both his and my heart, we both know, Alee loves her, perhaps, much more than he ever loved me.

Which is why I kept feeling not special, why I kept pressurizing him to make me feel special.
Because I never had the security.
And perhaps because I didn't love him enough to accept her as part of him.
To not trust him when he said, "I wished I can undo what I did with them, but I can't, they're stains in my life I wanna remove but I can't, but what I can promise you is that, that wouldn't happen again because I have you now, and all I want is you."

Romantic, wasn't it?
Such a sweet-talker even though he always deny it.
Hahahahaz.

Although I always say I don't get melted by honeyed words.
But when a guy tells you something like that, it's hard not to melt.
That only applies, if I have feelings for the guy of course.
Otherwise, nahz.
I can't imagine myself melting at these words if a stranger of someone I do not have feelings for tells me those things.
D< !

And I think Alee has a special feeling or something for 7.
Because I believe I will live longer that that but.
OH WAIT.
Yea, kkkk 70 is long enough.
Because by the time he'd be 94.
;0 .

Security is really important.
Haiz, but as many social networking sites are developing, relationship are at the same time, becoming more convenient as well.
By convenient, I mean, fast, and disposable.
The feelings come fast, the feelings gone fast, then disposed off.

Porn sites, match making sites.
How many people in this world actually catch their partners visiting these sites and cheating on themselves?
EVEN GAMES are becoming a platform for match making, can you believe it?

Oh, perhaps a small confession inside this confession.
I did strayed from Alee and my relationship too.
On the social networking platforms.
That was when I was seriously pissed off with him and I didn't know how to vent except through this stupid way of course.
After I was absolutely serious in maintaining this relationship, I quit those stuff.
._. , but obviously, like always, it's too late.

"It's too late to aplogize~
Too late~"

D; .

So, how am I supposed to have confidence in relationships?
;sigh-

Signing off at 7.42PM.

PS: The reason why my phone was stripped was because I my phone needed to cool down, because I was on the phone with...

DODO !
;D , yea he called.
He's going UK soon.
All the best for his studies.
(Y) !