现在的我其实很想哭。
看着 XiangQin 和 ZhiShu，我不知道是应该哭还是笑。
哭，因为他们两个提醒我有关我们。
笑，因为我看得出 ZhiShu 很爱 XiangQin.
这几天，明明就还好。
完全不明白为什么，我现在又回到了忧郁的状态。
*
I called him this morning.
Can't remember how exactly the conversation went.
Honestly, I was intoxicated.
But I remembered asking him if we were a past and he he thought the past was wrong or something like that.
And he said no, we're a present.
I told him, I don't even know what we are now.
To be frank, I don't.
We don't talk anymore.
Like seriously.
Which couple lives in the same country, can call and text each other but yet not doing it?
Obviously, we're a different kind.
I told him that and he said, I could call him, and I didn't text him too.
I said I did texted him that night but he didn't reply me after that.
He said he fell asleep.
But according to what I remembered.
2 hours after I sent that message, he was still seen on WhatsApp.
Lolz, it couldn't be a technical glitch.
I tried it out before.
You can only be last seen on it when you open WhatsApp yourself.
So your iPhone couldn't be the one behind the reason why he was last seen two hours after I sent that message.
He denied, as usual.
I said, I don't have to know, he knows it himself.
I said he don't text me nowadays in the morning too.
He said I could text him.
The conversation got close to the end, when I asked if he had anything to say to me.
He said good night.
That's all, just good night.
LOLZ..
And I think he asked if I had anything to tell him.
I told him, a lot, so many things to tell him but I am just gonna summarize everything into one sentence which is that I miss him.
He said, if I miss him, why didn't I went to find him.
To be honest, I didn't know to cry or laugh, or to get angry at that moment.
When I was with him, he told another girl that I stick around him too much.
And then now, what rights do I have to go and find him?
It will just give him another chance to say I am sticking around him too much, isn't it?
I reminded him he said that.
He denied, once again.
Saying he cannot remember so he didn't say it.
I don't know if he genuinely do not remember.
Or he genuinely wanna deny it.
I can prove it in matters of seconds, I choose not to.
I said he didn't take initiative.
He said he did.
The last few phone calls we made, he called me.
He even made the first move to ask me to Sentosa.
I reminded him that the last few phone calls were made because I texted him.
He asked why I was so calculative over who take the initiative.
Now I really wonder, who's the one who's being calculative about taking initiatives.
I feel really upset.
All these times, the letters, these blog posts, the videos.
And he's implying that I am not taking the initiatives.
LOLZ, seriously, should I laugh or cry?
Even as of now, you're still thinking that I am being calculative about who takes the initiative?
Even when I wrote so many letters, to tell you how I feel and all, that's all you can think.
Don't you think you're being selfish?
All you can see is what you had done.
Perhaps all I can see is what I have done.
But, in fact, ever since the cooling period, what have you done for me?
原来我所为我们做过的东西，在你眼里，都不算什么。
Are you the one not taking initiatives?
Or am I the one?
You said I talk about the same thing everytime, of course you'll be sianz.
Then why do the same thing I don't like again and again?
You said why am I so calculative about who texting who.
Then why don't you text me every morning like you used to?
So we're just both waiting for each other to take the initiatives.
And from what I see, you already are ready to let go of this "present".
Like, present, as in both meaning.
Current, and gift.
Because I told you, our relationship has been a gift from God.
And none of us wanna make the first move, to carry on or to end this.
And I hate myself because I am unable to move anywhere too.
LOLZ.
This is driving me mad.
Seriously?
Seriously..
“两个相爱的人等着对方先说，想分开的理由。”
我们俩，正处于这个状态吗？
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