She's such a brilliant writer.
Because I can feel her.
Like on any other occasions where I read her blog, I cried.
School ended at 1PM today because the Marketing teacher cancelled her lecture.
She said it was to allow us more time to finish the individual assignment.
Okaez, valid reason but yea, the last time we had her lecture was prolly 3 weeks to 1 months.
Totally, totally, okaez can.
I was listening to music on the bus.
It seriously isn't my fault that my mind is so vulnerable to flashback.
Basically, I started crying because so memories came back and flooded me.
I could relate to a lot of song lyrics.
It really sucks.
“想见，不能见，最痛。” －－ 梁静茹 － 呼吸的痛。
I went to meet up with my mum.
Tsktsk, that awesome moment when I see her, smiled at her and she return my smile.
One of the best moments in my life.
We walked from Hougang Interchange to the new nursing home my ahma was gonna transfer to.
Sighz, as what I was told, it was really shabby, as compared to the current one that she's staying at now.
I am really, upset, seriously.
I really wish I have more money.
So that my aunt and uncles would just shut the fuck up about putting a maid at my house and how my mum is richer and has a lot of money.
Honestly, those are bullshit okaez.
And 舅母，seriously, stop being a bitch to my mum because one day, I am just gonna jump on you, pull out all of your hair and disfigure you.
STOP FUCKING FIGHT FOR THE INHERITANCE LAHZ WALAO.
Is money that fucking important?
I could tell that my mum was tired.
Exhausted like I was.
My heart pains for her.
I wish I could finish my education real soon.
So that I can come out to work and then provide for this family.
We went to Hougang Mall to buy Macs then went down to the current nursing home my ahma is staying at.
Seriously, I don't know how to express the kind of sadness and depressed emotions that are constantly building in me, but yea, I wish I could do something to make things right.
To do something so that my ahma wouldn't think that all her children don't want her.
To do something so my mum wouldn't have to work so hard just to provide for my brother and I.
Seriously, why.
Why do I have to know all of these.
I am not complaining but.
Why, why must it all happen at the same time.
We went back home after a while.
;) , ate the dinner that mum cooked.
Delicious, sumptuous, you know, mum's cooking, always the best ;) .
*
Alee said he wanted tabao.
Of what my mum cooked.
I did.
Carrying my own bag, my laptop bag that contains my laptop and so many papers, and that bag of "supper", I made my way from home, to his house.
In the end, he fell asleep.
I called him and asked if he could come and fetch me.
He sounded so unwilling.
Perhaps he was tired.
But dude, I am on my period, and I am carrying this many stuff.
I am not wonder girl, you think I have a lot of energy to spare?
Seriously?
I queued to have your jersey signed, when I was having heavy flow, and a aching tummy.
I brought food back to you from my home to yours, just to hear a sian-tone over the tone when I asked you to fetch me, and a grouchy you who looked at me out of those half-asleep eyes.
Not even a smile.
Nor a "xin ku le" from you.
*
Godfather keep telling me, to not think about what you did not do, but to think of what you did for me.
Okaez, so you have came down to fetch me, am I supposed to be very touched?
Because dude, I brought food all the way back just because you wanted it.
My mum, specially picked it for you, she gave you the fish head because she knows you wanted the fish eye.
And then when you reached home, you put the food aside.
And went back to sleep.
Did you say thank you?
No.
And now, as I am crying, I am to suppress the urge to cry out loud.
Why?
Because you're sleeping, resting, and I don't wanna wake you up.
Lest you saw me crying and you'll be thinking, "Crying again, wtf?"
Godfather say to cherish the present and let go of the past.
K, even if I don't rant about what happened, what are you doing now?
Sleeping.
Okaez can, once again, totally okaez can.
*
“爱不是他给的不够，是不知道我要什么。” －－ S.H.E － 他还不懂
Yea, you love me, I know.
Without sarcasm, I believe you do.
Because if you do not, you wouldn't be keeping all the messages and notes I gave to you in this container that you don't allow anyone to touch because you sorted the messages according to dates.
You wouldn't have kept the cookies that I baked for you for Valentines' , refusing to eat them.
You wouldn't be jealous when I talk to other guys (maybe you're just possessive).
You wouldn't have organized that surprise steamboat party or wanted to surprise me again on my birthday.
Those are the happy moments.
And when we're mad at each other, your actions do not show.
"I cannot cry, because I know that's weakness in your eyes." -- Kelly Clarkson - Because Of You.
This feeling sucks, when I am thinking about how you'd feel, and you're not giving a damn about how I would feel.
Because when I am breaking down, all I need is you to hug me, tell me that you're here.
But you're not.
I have to ask for it.
And sometimes, I don't even get it.
*
I asked you if you wanna keep the food in the fridge.
You said no, you'll eat it later after you rest.
Yea, that's basically our conversation since the moment I met you at the stairs ;) .
And seriously, if this is the way you appreciate my mum and my effort, I rather the food go down the rubbish dump because rats and other pests will probably appreciate it more than you do.
If I know that the food is not consumed by you, don't even expect me to forgive you, or do something like this for you ever again.
You don't even have to expect that I will cook for you.
You can just forget it.
*
Sometimes, I really wonder, am I the one with problems?
Why will Eddie and I end up breaking up?
Why do you and I turn out this way?
I keep thinking that I am the one with problems.
I really wanna shift back to my house and give us both a time-out.
But I know you'd be angry.
I don't want you drinking too much alcohol, having your gout acting up again and there's no one to take care of you, seriously.
I wanna work things out with you.
Again, I have to emphasize, that you are a 25 year-old man, while I am a 18 year-old girl.
Godfather said I should hide in the comfort zone of having that as an excuse.
Once again, I shall point out that I am not using that as an excuse, but it's a logical fact.
It's a logical fact that there's a difference in the thinkings of a male and a female.
It's a logical fact that there's a difference in the mindset of the 25 year-old adult and a 18 year-old teenager.
No, I am not trying to announce to the world that we have a 7 year age gap here.
Instead, I am attempting to make it clear that you cannot expect me to think the way you do immediately.
Because, reasons stated above, you're a man, I am a young lady.
You're an adult and I am a teenager.
Time, I need time.
And you're apparently doing nothing to help me in becoming more mature.
To be frank, I am proud of myself, for trying to understand you.
But even as I try and understand you, you shall not take it for granted that I can fully compromise with you.
Seriously, seriously.
I can't be the one giving all the time.
You're giving, I know.
But how much?
/Edits @ 1.03AM:
Me: You know I took trouble to take back the food or not.
Alee: I know.
Me: You know my mum packed these food for you or not.
Alee: I know.
Me: Then you not eating?
Alee: So tired, how to eat?
LOLZ OKAEZ CAN.
I GIVE UP.
/Edits @ 1.17AM:
I'm crying.
You're tired.
You're sleeping.
Beside me.
Okaez can.