Hurt Deeply.

At this moment when I am typing this post, I am sitting somewhere outside my classroom.
Waiting for the teacher to be done with her class.
I am feeling lonely, afraid, insecure and perhaps a huge sense of loneliness.

I called him yesterday night, he didn't answer.
I called him this morning, he didn't answer.
I know I shouldn't have played missing and make him worry, but part of me just wanted to see if he cares.
I came to a conclusion that he didn't care enough.

Besides AhBoon, he didn't call to my house, nor SMS anymore after he can't get through.
Sure, he has work the next day, but he could have tried calling me when he woke up, or at least give me a text.
I don't know what he is thinking, or how much I am worth to him.

I told him I love him.
He told me he loves me more.

When I said I love him, it includes forgiving the things he said, he do, closing one eye to them, and accepting his flaws, his likes and dislikes, taking his harsh words, yet forgiving and forgiving because I love him and want him by my side.
But when he said he loves me more, it means lying to me again and again for unimportant things, the same freaking thing which I talked to him about again and again, and honestly, I am tired.

I want to give up on this relationship badly.
But guess what.
This morning, while on the bus, I kept feeling my phone vibrate, even as I dream while napping on the bus, I dreamt that he messaged me.
Even when I was resting on school, I can dream that he came to find me, to wake me up for school.
What the hell is wrong with me for missing someone who don't even bother to text me or call me after he knows that I've gone missing for long?

True, I used my house phone to call, I used my phone to text him, but he still could have asked why did I go missing, and even if he did know why, since the thing started out because of him, shouldn't he feel at least a bit apologetic?

I wanna cry of all it out, I am tired, stressed, and my heart is technically breaking in smithereens.
This is not the first time, so why am I so stupid to be letting this happen again and again?

/AnnWai.

Can you see my heart aching ;

Heart breaking ?

Can you see that I am tearing inside?

And tearing on the outside?