I am getting so lazy and I feel so damn guilty over it.
Recently, I know I am going bonkers, in a grief-stricken way.
A few sickening things are running through my mind now.
1 - Making friends online is so fucking hard, everyone is asking for picture.
2 - Friends, best friends, are neglecting friendship for relationship.
3 - Relationship is so fucking hard to maintain.
4 - I don't know how to remain sane anymore.
At this moment, my eyes are puffy and swollen.
Yes, the useless me just cried again.
The first point.
Sweetheart and I started playing this iPhone apps called Baboo.
Where everyone appear as babies (we can customize the look of it) in this app.
It is somehow like a chatroom, but there's limited number of characters you can type in the space provided and no private information is included anywhere inside it.
There was this user who added me on LINE, first thing he asked was for picture.
I feel a little upset.
In the past when I was playing Audii, everyone was friends with everyone especially in Novice, it doesn't matter whether we know how each other look like or not.
People like Ram, Opaque, didn't show their real face offline Audii, not even a single face photo, but still, they made many many friends and people in Novice (old players) knew them.
Did they mind?
At least I know, most didn't.
I didn't.
Does looks really come into consideration when making friends?
If you argue that it is more secure to see a picture of a human face, to make sure you're not talking to someone dangerous, I have two points for you.
One, are you judging if a person is dangerous by looks?
Two, what makes you so sure the person isn't taking someone else's face and passing it off as their own?
Why is making online friends so hard and full of terms and conditions now, why?
The second point.
This is not the first time I feel neglected because friends are going out together without me, friends are becoming couples without me, friends are sticking to each other like some super glue now because I introduced them and they find themselves more suitable to be friends than I am.
Fuck feelings, I seriously wish I have none.
Why worry about friends, wishing that they are fine, trying to catch up with them and making myself sound like some kaypo bitch?
When they are not even making the least effort to find out how I am.
In the past, that person used to be able to tell if something is wrong with me just from my message.
NOW?
Gone, that person doesn't even remember my existence for god's sake, so fuck that _|_ , and if you think I am talking about you, it's probably you, because sub-consciously, you know you did something like that to do.
Feel guilty now?
No, you're never gonna be able to make it up for me.
Not like you will even bother to anyway.
The third point.
I just had an arguement with Alee.
It has nothing to do with the pictures below, but the pictures below just gave me the structuring I can use for my thoughts.
 |
| I thought this face was meant for me and only for me? |
 |
| I have the same thoughts too, you know that? |
 |
| I thought this song lyrics was meant for me and only me? |
I no longer have the strength to talk to you about this matter anymore.
If you care about me, then do something about it when you see this post, if not, let me have time to myself, stop talking to me if I try to talk to you, stop letting me come to you when I want to, I will let you go eventually, because my heart is bleeding and I know you're unmindful about it.
I have a few points bugging me.
#1:
I created a Twitter account long ago.
You had it way before me.
I asked you to follow me, you said you didn't want to.
Because you seldom use it.
From what I know, a two weeks before, after you told me you were going to bed, you were still chatting with dearest Abby.
Don't try to patronize me by saying you seldom use Twitter.
You and I jolly well know that you're just afraid.
Afraid because whenever we argue, I will always bring it out.
Any form of interaction can be a platform for arguments, you're just scared that Twitter will just be another platform and all your friends will see.
You love your pride.
And you don't want to let people know.
Besides, you don't want me stalking you as well.
That's why you don't want us to connect on Twitter.
I get it, no worries.
#2:
You said you would do anything to make me happy?
How about I ask you to stop talking to Delia?
The girl who you jolly know I don't like you talking with because of your past with her.
You may say it's the past.
But can you be sure that you will feel nothing if I keep chatting on a two week one time basis, asking him if anything is wrong with him if he posted a sad status on Facebook or Twitter?
CAN YOU FEEL ALRIGHT KNOWING I AM SHOWING CONCERN FOR A GUY I SLEPT WITH?
How would you feel if I keep talking to Ram (if he evers talk to me), like on a frequent basis?
If you say you won't, then let me give my first time to a guy, and then let you find out after I end things with that guy but still chat up with him?
Or how about me asking you to stop talking to your dearest Abby who tries and tries to demerit me in front of you multiple times too?
Will you?
When I ask you to stop talking to them, you said they're your friends.
And Abby is your best friend.
Abby saved you from a suicide.
Then why are you hinting me from time to time that I am talking to other guys?
They are my friends too?
AND THEY DON'T FUCKING DEMERIT YOU IN FRONT OF ME.
If I asked you to stop talking to them, will you?
No, you won't.
Then don't feed me with lines that has the hint of "I'll do anything to make you happy."
You have no idea how much implications included in that simple line, darling.
#3:
Just now before you slept, you kept fidgeting strongly here and there because of your headache, and I caused it, worsened it, you have no idea how misery I was in.
The guilt I felt and the strong wish for me to be the one hurting instead of you.
Your heart is made out of flesh, what about mine?
Steel?
Iron?
Mine's made out of flesh too if you didn't know.
AND IT'S FUCKING BLEEDING.
I FEEL SO UNBALANCED INSIDE ME.
The discomfort that you feel when you have work in less than 12 hours time?
That was what happened to me less than 12 hours before school.
In school even.
Are you thinking that I am going for a Tit-For-Tat?
Yea, I am.
I told you already.
If you can't make me feel better, I will strive for this balance myself.
Heyz reader.
Yea, you, the one reading this blog.
If you are thinking that you are reading the blog of a horrible bitch, you're right.
Because this boy in my life made me so.
He let me down with his actions, gave me words that has no meaning.
Forced me to the edge and then try to be nice to me again.
It's like slashing someone on the throat and then helping to bandage it LOLZ.
It's more than pain.
It's the crocodile tears I think he shed.
It's the actions of being nice no longer contain sincerity to me.
Ya, I am hard to satisfy, yea?
Treat me badly, I say you're treating me like shit.
Treat me well, I say you're just making up to me because you did something wrong.
That's me, that's how you made me to me, driving me this way with your actions and words.
Jason Lee, that Tweet about giving up?
It's you I am talking about, even when I deny it straight in your face.
Because you will NEVER EVER understand, how much I am hurt by you.
/AnnWai.
If you care about me, then do something about it when you see this post, if not, let me have time to myself, stop talking to me if I try to talk to you, stop letting me come to you when I want to, I will let you go eventually, because my heart is bleeding and I know you're unmindful about it.
I have a few points bugging me.
#1:
I created a Twitter account long ago.
You had it way before me.
I asked you to follow me, you said you didn't want to.
Because you seldom use it.
From what I know, a two weeks before, after you told me you were going to bed, you were still chatting with dearest Abby.
Don't try to patronize me by saying you seldom use Twitter.
You and I jolly well know that you're just afraid.
Afraid because whenever we argue, I will always bring it out.
Any form of interaction can be a platform for arguments, you're just scared that Twitter will just be another platform and all your friends will see.
You love your pride.
And you don't want to let people know.
Besides, you don't want me stalking you as well.
That's why you don't want us to connect on Twitter.
I get it, no worries.
#2:
You said you would do anything to make me happy?
How about I ask you to stop talking to Delia?
The girl who you jolly know I don't like you talking with because of your past with her.
You may say it's the past.
But can you be sure that you will feel nothing if I keep chatting on a two week one time basis, asking him if anything is wrong with him if he posted a sad status on Facebook or Twitter?
CAN YOU FEEL ALRIGHT KNOWING I AM SHOWING CONCERN FOR A GUY I SLEPT WITH?
How would you feel if I keep talking to Ram (if he evers talk to me), like on a frequent basis?
If you say you won't, then let me give my first time to a guy, and then let you find out after I end things with that guy but still chat up with him?
Or how about me asking you to stop talking to your dearest Abby who tries and tries to demerit me in front of you multiple times too?
Will you?
When I ask you to stop talking to them, you said they're your friends.
And Abby is your best friend.
Abby saved you from a suicide.
Then why are you hinting me from time to time that I am talking to other guys?
They are my friends too?
AND THEY DON'T FUCKING DEMERIT YOU IN FRONT OF ME.
If I asked you to stop talking to them, will you?
No, you won't.
Then don't feed me with lines that has the hint of "I'll do anything to make you happy."
You have no idea how much implications included in that simple line, darling.
#3:
Just now before you slept, you kept fidgeting strongly here and there because of your headache, and I caused it, worsened it, you have no idea how misery I was in.
The guilt I felt and the strong wish for me to be the one hurting instead of you.
Your heart is made out of flesh, what about mine?
Steel?
Iron?
Mine's made out of flesh too if you didn't know.
AND IT'S FUCKING BLEEDING.
I FEEL SO UNBALANCED INSIDE ME.
The discomfort that you feel when you have work in less than 12 hours time?
That was what happened to me less than 12 hours before school.
In school even.
Are you thinking that I am going for a Tit-For-Tat?
Yea, I am.
I told you already.
If you can't make me feel better, I will strive for this balance myself.
Heyz reader.
Yea, you, the one reading this blog.
If you are thinking that you are reading the blog of a horrible bitch, you're right.
Because this boy in my life made me so.
He let me down with his actions, gave me words that has no meaning.
Forced me to the edge and then try to be nice to me again.
It's like slashing someone on the throat and then helping to bandage it LOLZ.
It's more than pain.
It's the crocodile tears I think he shed.
It's the actions of being nice no longer contain sincerity to me.
Ya, I am hard to satisfy, yea?
Treat me badly, I say you're treating me like shit.
Treat me well, I say you're just making up to me because you did something wrong.
That's me, that's how you made me to me, driving me this way with your actions and words.
Jason Lee, that Tweet about giving up?
It's you I am talking about, even when I deny it straight in your face.
Because you will NEVER EVER understand, how much I am hurt by you.
/AnnWai.
What are words ,
When you really don't mean them ,
When you say them ?
What are words ,
If they're only for good times ?
-- Chris Medina - What Are Words.
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