Unworthiness.

Exams are finally over.
Not that I have many to speak of.
Just one Media, Culture and Society paper.
It wasn't very hard I supposed.
Studying harder would have paid off more.
Hahaz, but at least I did my best.
Whatever I memorized last minute did came out.
And hopefully whatever that I wrote, is actually accurate to a certain extent.

Went drinking to celebrate the end of my paper.
The pub suddenly became so lousy, hahaz.
Met up with my dearest babe, Jess after drinking with Alee.
Because her birthday was just a few hours away.
We went to sing for 4 hours at Liang Court's Party World for a 4 hours from 12AM hahahaz!
I am so glad to be able to spend her birthday with her, at least for the first few seconds, the first four hours =) .

Happy Birthday, babe <3 !

On her birthday, Alee and I went to meet her for dinner.
Hee, didn't want her to stay at home and rot like some cute girl.
=| , not good, at least, isn't good for her birthday.
We went to eat Sakae Sushi, muahahahaz.
I was eating the sashimi and was thinking aloud that I wanted a chef to cook sashimi for me next time.
And that came out as a joke because sashimi can't be cooked ._. , hence I became the joke of that table )= .

That was yesterday.
Was supposed to go to Bugis with her to shop for our couple shoes but she didn't reply to me message.
)= I wonder if something is wrong with her.
Sigh...

I went to find Alee, waited for him at the shopping mall, hanging around for more than one hour, and it turns out that while I went to bought drinks for both of us, he had already came out, and by the time I waited at the staff entrance/exit, he had already went out of it and to the toilet ._. .
I found that out when I asked him where he was and he told me he was on the train.
I can't stand myself for being so stupid.
I can't even prepare a surprise for him properly.
Everytime I try, I will either give my location away or for the first time he slipped out of my sight.

Doesn't matter.
._. .
I don't now what this boy want.
Since last time, to now, and I doubt I will ever do, in the future if we are still together.
I tried waking him up at 7PM for dinner just now, and he's just too tired to get up.
And his house is filled with his relatives.
I hate socializing when I know no one, so I am just gonna go without dinner.
And if my mood coincides, I don't even feel like eating for the next few hours or next day.
I am growing fat anyway so it doesn't really matter.
I feel like a annoying bitch trying to wake him up to bathe.
That added on to earlier on when I make him come all the way back from Braddell to City Hall, to find me, where I feel like a horrible girl.
He could have got home earlier and have more rest.

Honestly, do I ever bring joy into his life, I wonder.

To be frank, I already lost half of my interest in any relationship.
In this relationship, I am losing interest because of the lack of trust.
I keep thinking of he's cheating on me or lying to me.
Because he's quite nice to me recently that it seems impossible unless he's trying to make up to me for doing something wrong behind my back.
Or what, rewarding me / thanking me because I am no longer checking on his browsing history?
Lolz, I am just too upset to do so.
Ever since the last time he said I am always the one who turns things upside down everytime, my heart already shattered into some million pieces, and to be frank.
NOTHING can fucking fix it back anymore.
Not a rose for a belated Valentine, not a Beats Studio.
Nothing.
Because boy, my heart is already shattered.
You lost the ability to fix it back the moment you lost my trust and faith in you.
The moment when you think pride is more important or sorry is unnecessary.
Those times when you let the anger grow in me, and you just sat by the side watching, yea, that lost my faith in that you can take care of me too.

I am sorry this relationship has to come to this kind of situation, but it just did.
Even though I have lots of friends to chat with.
Okaez, maybe not lots, but friends who I can chat with and they will reply anytime, and my boyfriend is just sleeping like a log next to me, and there are dozens of people (probably) outside this bedroom of his, eating dinner, I feel like the fucking loneliest girl in the world.
Because just when my tears are flowing down, and I need a hug to comfort me, the living thing nearest to me, the guy I gave my broken heart to is sleeping, deep in his world, oblivious to the shattering of my heart.

I guess it's okaez.
I believe someday, someone will be here for me.
And by the time, I know he won't regret when I am no longer by his side.
In fact, he wouldn't mind even if I am gone from his side now, so no one can bother him in his sleep, and pester him to spend time with anymore.

Boy, if you find a girl who can put in more effort in relationship than me (I am not saying I put in the most effort compared to all the girls, but compared to the girls who you will be interested in), then I have nothing to say =) , and I will even wish you all the best.

/AnnWai.