Cough hacking its way into my immune system.
Nose block is killing me.
The weather isn't helping.
I keep re-reading past message histories.
I can't believe the things I used to say and how I used to be.
For example, looking back to when I said I cannot live with Jared, that's a joke, because I am seriously doing fine without him.
Yea, sometimes I miss his humour and all but the great thing is, he's fading from my memory, this person exist alright, but the details are washing itself away.
I was looking through the message history between Querido and I.
I read back on the letter he wrote to me too.
There are somethings that he said to me that I would like to say it back to him.
I couldn't believe I was so happy then.
For that while, I could immerse myself back in the time when I had you.
When I read back the chats, I realized how much you were there for me, and how I shut you off.
Just now, I was questioning myself again and again why did I do that.
But yet, you were always so patient.
The many promises you made to her, and me.
I read those as well.
Bringing her to Greece, learning how to cook, becoming to better man.
And knowing you'll be crushed if she found a better man but you will give your blessings.
I suppose I am in your position now, trying to be a better girl, knowing I'll be crushed if you got yourself a better girl, yet giving you my blessings.
There are still so many things I wanna tell you, to the point where I have no idea where to start.
It's like appreciating a prose or poetry, you have to read many times to understand the text.
Each time you read, you know more.
Every time you read, you notice a new thing.
Life's like that too, you got to look back, think and relive moments to find out what you missed out, what you didn't notice.
By the time you find out, it's too late.
It's always like that.
Which is why cherishing the present is important.
Honestly, I don't know my feelings for you, Querido.
It's been two years you know.
When she and you didn't talk for two years, neither of you put each other oit of your minds.
Two years since you left me and yet, you've never left my mind.
I am pretty sure it wouldn't be the same for you, because you have friends and more friends now.
By now, you shouldn't be so socially awkward as you used to be.
I am glad for you, happy for you.
Yet at the same time, jealous of those who you can claim as friends.
Falling in love with you was so easy, because you're just uniquely you and I love everything about you.
But no one, including yourself told me forgetting you will be this hard.
Because you were the one who said you wouldn't leave.
You were the one who said you'll stay as long as you can make me happy and I want you to.
But you're also the one who eventually cut off everything and left me stranded.
You said Yakusoku was special to you, because promises meant something to you, and you're not those who break promises.
I believed it then.
I believed it now.
And I will believe it till you prove me otherwise because having something to believe in, is beautiful.
=) .
As for Dar.
I'm sorry if you have to read all those.
I am going insane again.
You have been a great lover to me recently.
For what reason, I don't know.
But thank you.
For not putting me down and making effort.
I wish, for us, I wish I had the ability to defend you when someone tells me, "Your boyfriend gives me the feeling that he'll cheat on you. You deserve better."
I hate being vulnerable.
I miss talking like a mad niece to my uncle.
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