2.18AM.
It makes me fed up, how I had alot of things to say.
Yet after setting up my laptop and opening this page to pen down my thoughts for this entry, I lose all the inspiration I had earlier on.
I don't know how to express myself.
I was talking to Sweetheart just now in Audii when she suddenly said she miss the old Boon with more hair and fats rather than the botak with muscles.
Hahahaz.
Don't get me wrong, she loves him, of course, as much as she always did, or perhaps more.
For me, I miss the old Boon with more hair and fats too.
I felt that in the past, I was closer to him.
Because for nothing or something, that best friend will always call and text me to ask how was I, and if I wanna hang out, be it just the two of us, or with people.
Kyo and Sweetheart seems fine even though they don't meet all the time, but I don't get it why do I seem to feel so outcasted at times.
They were all friends I am proud, and will always be proud to have.
And will never regret having.
But there are just times, when I feel a tinge of loneliness in me even when they're just right beside me.
Sweetheart said that she felt NS has stolen her boyfriend from her.
For me, I guess NS and relationship as well as school and games has stolen my best friend from me.
It might sound offending, but I am being truthful.
I think by typing this out, I have found the ultimate root to why I feel so lonely besides being affected by my very own relationship.
Not only because of that.
After Sweetheart has set up ~luvPABO~, I felt that we somehow has grown so not close anymore.
Because of FAM channels, which eventually leads to because of FAM points.
Although Sweetheart has assure me that LOONIES will be her priority, I am starting to think otherwise the moment she knew how to catch channel.
I must be clear the attitude that I am displaying.
I am not backstabbing or what.
But at this point, when I don't know how to tell you about this, Sweetheart, I hope that through my blog, you'll come to understand how I feel and the reason why sometimes, I might have a sudden change in tone and becoming that bitch who's a little hostile towards you.
For that, I apologize.
I felt happy when Sweetheart said she don't mind using her FAM for random FAM battles to earn FP for LOONIES, assured that LOONIES will still be the FAM she thinks of first.
But let's face it, that FAM is being set up with the love between her and Boon in mind.
Random FBs means there's a possibility that the stats and FP may be screwed.
She would mind.
This is the feeling that FAM leader would have, especially when it's a FAM he/she cherish.
I can assure you that despite having sub FAMs that were set up for random FAM battles, I could never bear to those sub FAMs fight wars I am not sure of winning.
Nevertheless, it might just be me.
Since Sweetheart and I are two different individuals.
Also, I feel that, since Sweetheart's FAM have her own members, it's becoming an individual FAM.
And sooner or later, there'll be this day when she'll spend more time, managing ~luvPABO~ and less time with ~LOONIES~.
It hurts when I think of it.
When I imagine how that would happen.
Sweetheart wanted to learn how to buy channel.
She said she wanted to catch for LOONIES.
But, it turned out otherwise most of the time.
It's hard not to think that way when I see a channel for her FAM but LOONIES FP is not going up, and the way it's slipping out of top 50, it pains me.
Perhaps it may sound selfish on my part, how I mind so much about FP and it seems as though I am taking away your freedom of what you wanna do in game.
Again, I am sorry.
I have never wanted fame or popularity for LOONIES.
All I wanted was to make friends.
For the old LOONIES who have joined and stayed, I am thankful.
And I am thankful to all those who have met up and had fun and bonded together.
I am really grateful to fate for letting us become friends.
Which is why I hate it when anyone tells me they wanna have their own FAM.
Because the same thing happened more than once.
They said they just create for fun, or just wanna see.
But eventually, that new FAM will become more important to them.
And once it's strong enough, LOONIES will become an old past.
As for slipping out of top 50, it's because LOONIES fought so hard then, to be in top 10, yet hacks came out and channels became something near to miracle.
And then national exams came, and all of us had to give up gaming.
FPs became the least of our troubles.
But yet, even so, when we came back to Audii, LOONIES was still in top 40.
Which is why I really wanna do my best to keep LOONIES in top 50.
I miss my best friends.
The very same person I am talking, who can tell when I am not myself.
Not the very same people who skipped my words and turned away from me, when I am not-so-obviously reaching for them.
Sweetheart, you may not have noticed.
I wasn't feeling that well when I was helping your friend with her wedding.
Before that, on SMS, I asked if you found Dark but you ignored me totally for that.
Hahaz, it's not something really outstanding on the message, so yea.
I understand you might have overlooked that.
After the wedding, I left without even saying bye to anyone.
A few months ago, you would have probably SMS-ed me immediately to find out if anything was wrong with me, but today, you didn't.
You thanked me for the help.
I could only smile at the phone.
At least you remembered me.
Sigh, I don't know what to do.
I don't want this relationship to sour.
I haven't been reading your blog because of how emotions will attack me when I get to engaged with reading the contents.
Yet I feel this gap getting bigger and bigger.
And most of the times, I feel that I am the selfish one and it's my actions that are causing this friendship to seem screwed.
I don't know how much LOONIES, this word, means to everyone in the FAM, but to me, it probably means half of my world to me.
Just this word alone.
Tell me.
What should I do?
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