Chinese New Year.

Mood: Isolated, feel like shutting myself from the rest of this world.

Chinese New Year this year is rather special I guess.
I went to a lot of house for visitings and met many babies.
They are cute, adorable honestly, to the point where I feel like just hugging them close to me.
I can't help but smile at them, and I feel like I want to have my own family too.

I went to Alee's grandma's house for visiting too.
His grandma was rather generous, really.
And I am glad that his relatives actually remembered my share of angpao even though I didn't meet them personally.
Don't get me wrong, not that angpao means much to me.
I am just happy that they actually remember me.

That day, after going back from Clementi, anger lingered in me for quite some time.
A conversation that went on between the two old demons, my brother and I got me almost heated enough to severe all ties with them.
My stepdad, is my dad, and I call him dad, not uncle because he married my mother and has been treating us better than both of them has been treating my brother and I.
We have nothing to fear, so you don't have to remind us that.

After a chat with my mother that day, I have quite a little fear for marriage.
To be exact, it's not a little fear.
It's a lot of fear that grew from the original little fear, which has been slowly brewing since Alee has been caught lying to me numerous time for some time.

I finally finish making the video I wanted to make for him 2 years ago.
It was a great load off my shoulder.
What is left now is that jar of hearts that I hadn't finish making for him.
And I want to give it to him as well.
Although it's more than 1 year now, it doesn't mean the hurt will not be there.

Basically, I am still scarred by the many people who came into my life and left without a good reason, he included.
Alee and I hasn't been going very smoothly.
I don't mean to make comparisons but whenever things screw between us,  my mind will think of him.
The kind of security that I felt, it's priceless.

I am happy for my best friends, honestly.
But I envy them too.
Because for one of the occasional times in my life, I feel that I deserve better.

After talking to Boon's friend, I know I deserve happiness.
Everyone does.
Although Qib says he like the way I am now, I like the happy me that I was before I stepped into any relationship.
True, there are bigger love out there, not just my own relationship.
But being selfish the way humans are, I cannot ignore my own feelings.
And I am not strong enough to not let this feeling overwhelm me.
I am disappointed with myself honestly.

And another thing is that.
I feel forgotten.
I am willing to go all out for my friends, really, people who I regard as treasures in my life.
Yet many times, I don't think they even feel or appreciate it.
And these are the people that I wanna stay away from.
Even if they are my best friends.
Because I am tired of seeing them, and waiting for them to realize that I am trying so hard to stay in their lives.

Things I wanna do:

• Write my own stories.
• Start praying.
• Be able to let Alee go when it's time to do so =) .

I wanna be strong.
I deserve to be happy.

And I will stop expecting to be noticed.
Fuck my life, okaez, just fuck it.
Why am I the only one putting so fucking much effort?

There is this saying that goes, if it's true love, you wouldn't feel that you are suffering.

I feel that I am suffering, so I suppose it means this relationship I am in ain't true love?
Hahaz, what can I expect?
Age is no boundary for true love.
But one can't deny that age plays a part in how a couple can communicate.
Try dating a 10 year old when you're 30.

I don't know.
I wanna end my life.

/AnnWai.

PS:
@Brother: Take care when you're in NS, I know you won't read my blog because I am not Charlotte, but yea, take care anyway.
@Char: I am really touched for you, those flowers are beautiful =) .

放弃了；

放弃了；

放弃了无奈。