当你喝可乐，当你吵。

For the past few months, I felt alone even though I am in a relationship.
In the eyes of others, we just look happy together.
In the eyes of your friends maybe.
Or unhappy, I don't know.
But friends who really know us well can tell we're both unstable even though it's near one year.

I feel alone because most of the time, I just seems to be the only one fighting for us.
For you, for me, for the future you said you wanted for us.
Despite all the disputes we had, I choose to believe in you, in us, in that future.
Because I love you, I chose to forgive, even though I cannot forget.
Although I emphasize alot on how I cannot get over certain things, you have never once tried your very best to make me feel alright.

Yea, you tried, but only when I am tamed.
Yea, you tried, but only when you're in a good mood.
Yea. you tried, but only when things are going your way.

I am not saying you've never tried.
Honestly, to be fair to you, you did.
Just that I think I tried harder.
I am not trying to do a comparison here, but this is how I feel.

When your girl feels upset and hung up on you, the first thing to do, is to call her back.
For that, I don't think you love me enough.
I don't think you're scared to lose me either.
Because you dislike people who hangs up on you.
Thing is, Jason, I am your girlfriend.
The girl who you claim you love me more than I think.
Lolz.
What else?
You're going to bathe.
Nice excuse, Jason, bathing is more important than making sure your girlfriend is okaez =) .

It's absolutely true, when you said you love me more than I think you do.
I think you love me no more than you love sleeping.
So yea, you love me that much.

After that honeymoon period, I am always the one calling you back.
Trying to locate you when you go missing.
Calling till you pick up.
Calling even though you've off-ed your phone.
Friends asked why I still continue to be with you.
I told them, I love you.

For you, Jason, I am willing to put down my pride, put aside my devastation, and continue fighting for your care, your attention.
Yet, even after all the ferocious fighting, all the cryings and even after setting my dignity aside for you, a "dislike people who hang up on me" is what I get from you.
Yes, Jason, I get it, really.
You dislike me for hanging up on you.
And yes, I definitely realize you love me so much that you didn't bother to call.

You could have called after you bathed, when you stepped out of house, before you got on the train while walking towards the station, since you said you hate talking on the train.
But you didn't.

When I was angry, I used to removed our relationship status on Facebook.
Delete you off and everything.

And just off-ed my phone.
Or throw tantrum over SMS, asking for a break up.

But I didn't.
I don't wanna regret doing things that I know I will regret.

I wanted to, really tempted to.
Because I am upset.
And disappointed.
And I am further aggravated by the fact that you know that I am upset yet made no further effort than text to communicate with me.

You didn't apologize.
Nor did you showed effort to show that you were sorry for making me upset.

In the past, I kept forgiving you again and again.
I kept telling myself that this is just you.
You hate saying sorry but you will try to make it up in other ways.
I keep convincing myself that you love me, and try to think of all the good things you've done for me.
And that this is just the way you handle your anger and wanna cool down.

But Jason ahz, I feel like giving up le.
I don't think you understand how it feels when the person your phone is on, and yet you don't see calls from the person you are waiting silly for.

You said you love me, more than I think you do.
You said you love me, more than I love you.

But if you really love me that much, why am I fighting so hard?
To the point where I am getting scars and bruises?
This is not making any sense you know.

You may be angry with me for not replying your message.
I am scared that you'll be angry too.
I am afraid that you'll not come after me.
But I know I will have to face this reality sooner or later.

Really, how we came to this situation was stupid.

It's something really minor.
Albeit, I guess it's really a good time for me to see, how much do I worth to you.
And how much are you willing to put in for me.

Like I said, I know I put in my all for this relationship, sending you random sms, making sure you feel loved by me, trying my best to be the girl you can be proud of.

But I just cannot seem to be the kind of girl you wanna be with.

Maybe Abigail is right, you deserve someone better than me.
I am just not good enough for you.

In this post, I shall attach a picture that somehow describe how I feel.
You can choose to read it, you can choose not to.

－ “⋯⋯男人就应该让着自己心爱的女人，这个因为换个角度想一想你也是幸福中的人。”

It's always the skill of giving and taking in relationship.
I don't expect you to give in to me all the time.
But I feel that I am the one giving in to you all the time.
When we're in bad mood, I'm always the one giving in to you to appease you.
Especially when the bad mood is because we are in an argument.

－ “女人不吵了、不闹了、不叫了，就是真的不爱了。

女人说要离开，是伤心了，是你让她失望了。

女人明知道你们之间没有未来，却情愿留在你身边做个普通朋友，不是她太贱，只是她舍不得。
女人故意在你面前提到别的男人，不是她花心，只是想要刺激一下你，让你多在乎她一点。
女人不主动打电话、发简讯给你，不是不想你，是她不够自信，你接到电话、接简讯时，是否同样地想念她。
如果女人不爱你，是不会对你发脾气的，不要抱怨自己的女朋友脾气太怪，女人只对她爱的人发脾气。
女人不是不知道在外面你还有别的女人，她选择独自伤心却不揭穿你，是害怕揭穿后给了你一个离开她的借口。

女人总是在你面前假装很开心，不是她没心没肺，成天傻乐，只是为了在你面前留下最美的样子。

男人，其实，你不懂。”

Translation:

"When a girl stops arguing, stops throwing tantrum at you, it means she doesn't love you anymore.
If a girl says she wanna leave, it's because she's upset, because you disappointed her.
A girl can know that both of you doesn't have a future, yet stays by your side as a normal friend, not because she doesn't have pride, but because she cannot bear to let you go.
A girl mentions another guy in front of you not because she flirts, but because she trigger you to care more about her.
When a girl doesn't take the initiative to call you or message you, it's not because she doesn't miss you, it's because she's uncertain if you'd miss her the same way she does when you get her call or message.

If a girl doesn't love you, she won't flare up at you, so don't complain that your girl has a weird temper, because girls only flare at the guy they love.
A girl knows you have another girl outside, but she chose to bottle her feelings up, not wanting to expose you because she's afraid that if she does, it just gives you another reason to leave her.
A girl always pretends she's happy in front of you, this is not because she doesn't have emotions, it's because she only wanna be the best in front of you.

Boy, you really have no idea..."

Good night, Dar, sweet dreams tonight.

Sorry, I don't know how to be there for you tonight.
And sorry, because I don't know if you ever want me to be there for you in the future.

Jason, you have never understood me...

沉默已成为我最大的哭泣声。