I am a hypocrite.

I hate myself for being someone who keeps indulging myself in the past.
Forever burying my head into those memories.
I hate to have those memories haunting me.
But I just had to read back, find out what went wrong.
Even though it's useless because no matter what, nothing's gonna change.
Even if I worked out a better alternative to the same problem, nothing's gonna change.

And at this moment, I don't know know what to do really.
To stop my heart from aching so badly.
It's like going through Hell all over again.

I feel like just having someone for company.
Having someone to talk on phone.
Yet the last person to promise this, is the last person that I can call now.

I am missing him so badly I can't deny.

I keep thinking leaving was the best way to save him.
Save myself.
To stop ourselves from being unhappy.
And I tried so hard to convince myself that this was the best way out.

But it's like I am walking on fire.
Only the flame is engulfing, not my feet, but this beating heart, bleeding.
And the blood just fuels the fire, and I am just watching, feeling myself burn.

Why did loving him turn out to become this way?
I still remember saying this many many months ago.

"即使我们做了那么久的朋友，我还是无法完完全全地了解你。 我和你之间，永远都会有一道即时我用尽了毕生之力，拆也拆不掉的柏林围墙。"

The first argument we had in 2011.
It was because you asked me what's wrong and I said nothing.
Can anyone believe how we actually fought over so many minor things that when I look back I cannot even count and I cannot even believe how we actually fought over those stupid things?
I don't even remember what we fought for.

Seriously.
Why, why why.
Why did things have to turn out this way.
I wish to just forget everything and move on but I can't.

Because dude.
You, Jason Lee, are so deeply etched inside me.
It's killing me.

I hate myself for saying I love you yet not accepting the way you are.
Your over-friendly ways with other girls.
Your way of keeping things to yourself until things are fine.

It just makes me so hypocritical.